Small Business Today Magazine OCT 2014 THE EFFORT COMPANIES | Page 40
EDITORIALFEATURE
Speaking
the Unspeakable – Part 1
By Kim Sawyer
W
hat is the one particular method of handling difficult conversations that managers throughout the business world
have employed more than any other? They avoid them.
People avoid difficult conversations because most of us,
from an early age, have experienced any kind of confrontation
as unpleasant. They have typically involved angry emotions, hurt
feelings, defensiveness, or tenseness and often resulted in a state
of affairs worse than before the conversation started.
At other times, some people, in order to get past their resistance to these conversations, approach them with excessive
forcefulness. Then the confrontation comes across as an attack, a
conflict which is the very fear that got us in this place to start with.
Words get spoken but, when it happens this way, the receiver
gets defensive and defensive people are not listening. If they are
listening, they are not hearing (important distinction). If they are
hearing, they are only hearing certain bits and filtering out other
bits through their defensiveness. Emotions are overruling their
ability to take in and process the information in a useful way and
certainly short-circuiting any willingness to act on the information.
This is not rocket science, but it’s also not something most
people think about when they do this (if they do). The typical
thought process goes something like this: “I am going to have this
conversation and I am going to say what I have to say as clearly as I can (or in whatever way has become my natural default
in these situations). There; I’m done.” But did the message get
across? What difference did it make? Are things going to be any
different now because of the conversation, except, of course, for
the newly disturbed relationships and often additional costly consequences when misunderstanding leads to misbehavior?
There is a powerful dictum that is pivotal to what we are up
to here: “The meaning of a communication is its meaning to the
receiver.” Stop a moment; reread this proposition and consider it.
The fact is, it doesn’t matter what it is I intend to say because
I am not communicating to myself. Communication is about information passing correctly from one person to another person;
so whatever I may want to think, the understanding that person walks away with is what that communication has been. And
what’s more, whose responsibility is it to make sure that occurs
correctly?
38 SMALL BUSINESS TODAY MAGAZINE [ OCTOBER 2014 ]
So I want to offer you an approach
that will allow these conversations
to happen collaboratively. Next month,
in Part 2, I am going to show you a
method that I call “Clearing”. It is a
simple, powerful process I call “5
Step Communication”. If you approach
your difficult conversations using the
method, the chances are good that the
conversation will go as well as possible;
oftentimes, surprisingly well.
Yes, mine! The burden is wholly upon the initiator of the communication to see to it that the person with whom they have an
objective for speaking gets the full and accurate content of their
intended message.
I refer to this method I have developed as a form of “Leadership Communication”. When I talk about leadership, I mean a
way of interacting with people that attracts them to follow my
lead. It’s not about making people do anything; it’s about behaving
in a way that people want to emulate or join me in. In this communication tool, each step is about handling the next piece of the
conversation so that it is likely to encourage you to respond in
a positive way in the same spirit as the way I just communicated
to you.
So I want to offer you an approach that will allow these conversations to happen collaboratively. Next month, in Part 2, I am
going to show you a method that I call “Clearing”. It is a simple,
powerful process I call “5 Step Communication”. If you approach
your difficult conversations using the method, the chances are
good that the conversation will go as well as possible; oftentimes,
surprisingly well.
Based in Houston,Texas, Kim Sawyer is a highly respected veteran, executive coach
who serves clients internationally. Kim can be reached by email at kim.sawyer@
theWealthSource.com or by phone at 832-298-0143. To find out more about Kim’s
firm, theWeathSource, visit their website at www.theWealthSource.com.