a few days ago was the most recent failure to get the kids back . I couldn ’ t help her . I couldn ’ t help them . They needed me . And I wasn ’ t there . Every second of every day I was letting them down . My being in prison hit me hard . At that very moment . Nobody could count on me for anything , not for money , not for support , not for a place my brother and sister could stay . I was a complete and total failure as a son and a brother . I was helpless to lend any form of support that matters in a situation like that . They were alone . And so was I .
“ BADger ?”
“ I —” I coughed down a sob as violently as I could . Through a scratchy throat , I said , “ No , Killer . I don ’ t . . . have anybody . . . to help me .” I hadn ’ t cried the entire six years I ’ d been incarcerated . I fought back the tears as recklessly and savagely as I ’ ve ever fought anything or anybody in my life . But reality had ahold of me . It was all unavoidable . It was like opening up a waterfall when I opened those memories .
“ What ’ s wrong , bro ?”
50
And I broke .
My fractured heart poured every pathetic thought I had onto this gangster named Killer . I told him about my mom and siblings . I told him how my dad was against lawsuits and things of that nature . I told him everything as I drowned in self-pity . Everything . As I wept .
When it was all out of me , I felt vulnerable . Exposed . The most horrifying thing to me at that moment was to be alone . I damn near shouted in the vent , “ Killer ? KILLER !?” He replied and I was immediately relieved . So relieved that I was aware of the fact I was losing my mind , which frightened me all the more . “ Killer ! You still there , Killer ?”
“ Yeah .”
I started talking . I don ’ t know what the hell I was saying , but I wanted to keep him by my side , so to speak , as long as possible . And if I talked , he ’ d listen . He ’ d be there . That ’ s what I needed . I had never felt so fearful in my life . I couldn ’ t be alone . Just the prospect of it terrified me to the point of sheer panic . Every five