SPORTS

FRANKLIN & MARSHALL

The week after season ends the field hockey team has Health Week. Its seven days of drinking, mixing, and general degeneracy. Midweek, we had a hoedown mixer with the men’ s soccer team. We went to the store with them to buy the alcohol and the mixed drink ended up being a syrupy, carbonated red-orange concoction of Vlad and assorted Giant Brand sodas. Needless to say, I got really drunk. Nothing too embarrassing happened that night, but the next morning was rough. I had to go to a 10 AM German class because we had a quiz scheduled. I woke up early, around 7, and just barely made it to the bathroom before I threw up. Went back to bed, woke up to start getting ready for class, threw up again. Things weren’ t looking good by the time I walked to class. I was late, obviously, and the only seat left was the one furthest from the door. I knew I wouldn’ t make it through the hour and twenty minute class and prayed that the professor would give us the quiz at the beginning. Of course she didn’ t and instead put on a movie. I started to feel like I was going to get sick and the door seemed a mile away. I decided to just get up and go. Unfortunately, the academic buildings on our campus are architecturally terrible and only have one gendered bathroom on each floor, with the floors alternating the genders. First and third are women’ s, basement and second are men’ s. My class was in the basement. Knowing I wouldn’ t make it all the way upstairs to the women’ s bathroom on the first floor,

Thankfully, no one was there. Threw up in the stall, went back to class. Then it happened again. I jog-walked to the bathroom, pushed on the door, and ran straight into a male professor

walking out of the bathroom. I mumbled a“ sorry” and let him by, but walking into the bathroom I met one guy at the urinal, one washing his hands, and both stalls occupied.( I would like to say that there are maybe two classes going on at any given time in the basement of that building, so the fact that it was crowded was a freaking anomaly and just proof that my life is a joke). I turned around and walked to the doors that led outside, and threw up in a bush. Outside, on campus, in broad daylight, near one of the main walkways. And I still had to go back to class. Finally the movie finished and the quiz was passed out. I didn’ t read a word, just circled random answers and handed it in, apologizing because I didn’ t feel well, to which the professor responded that I should have let her know so I could go home. Awesome. On the walk home, I had to lean up against a tree and throw up again, still on a major walkway and right next to College Ave, a busy street on which any number of people who knew me could have driven by and seen me. Mid vomit, a woman came up behind me and asked if I was OK, to which I responded,“ I’ m fine, please go away, this is embarrassing.” I finally made it home, stopped in my roommate’ s room, and started crying. They laughed at me. Worst day of my life.

PHILADELPHIA REVOLUTION JUNIOR HOCKEY TEAM, EJHL

Me and a few of my teammates went out to a party. Everyone aside from our one friend Matt * was drunk and we wandered over to the Philadelphia University campus that was up the street from our apartments. We had a few girls there that we were friends with so we sat outside their dorm while we waited for them to get home and let us in. We started talking to anyone that walked by us and when we met one specific guy, Jimmy *, we knew we had to play a prank on our sober friend. Jimmy was barely 5 foot 2 and was wearing girl clothes and make up, he was clearly gay. The girls had come home and let everyone in at this point but me and my buddy Shane stayed

to talk to Jimmy a little longer. We told him Matt was very uncomfortable around gay guys and that he should make a move on him. Jimmy agreed to play along. So we called Matt back outside and said it was someone that wanted to talk to him, and he went outside and thought Jimmy just wanted to say hi. But Jimmy laid it on thick and then he kissed him! Matt freaked out and wouldn’ t talk to anyone for the rest of the night.

UNIVERSITY AT BUFFALO

At a championship soccer game we had two male refs. Right after half time, a girl turned around to try and boot the ball out as hard as she could without looking and it was literally a line drive to the referee’ s manhood. He gasped and went down. We had to stop the game and the entire crowd fell silent. After a few seconds everyone on and off the field couldnt control their laughter.

THE COLLEGE OF WOOSTER

One day at basketball practice we were getting reamed because we couldn’ t do a drill right. Our one legged coach demanded a pass from one of the kids to demonstrate the drill correctly. The kid angrily threw the ball at the coach

detaching it from his body. He fell to the ground and yelled at us to run the play again as he layed on the ground trying to reacquire his leg.

AMARILLO BULLS HOCKEY TEAM, NAHL

CABRINI COLLEGE

We had initiation night for soccer freshman year and headed over to our teammates house. We were told to wait inside as they prepared the basement for us. Each one of us would go downstairs blindfolded not knowing what was coming, sort of scary but exciting. So, I get blind folded and walk down the stairs, As the blind fold gets taken off I was

instantly pummeled by the seniors while a strobe light went off. We then had to chug out of a keg until we couldn’ t drink anymore. Next I was told to lay down as

and made all the freshman drink out of it. Next they tied our hands to our chest with ducktape making it extremely hard for us to drink for the half the night. We drank all night had a blast but finally it was time go home. I got in a cab with a couple of teammates, I started to feel sick at told the cab driver to pull over. The other kids in my cab took this opportunity to pull the trigger as well. I woke up the next morning with nothing. I must have dropped my wallet and phone when i stepped out of the cab. A week later a random stranger, from another school, found it on the road contacted me and i was able to get my wallet back, still covered in throw up.

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