Real Life
BY Dawn Crosno
Let Mom Be Mom
From the time we ’ re born , we ’ re learning and adapting . Our parents are teaching us how to do things so that we can someday do them ourselves . We learn to scoot , to crawl , to walk , to explore and to satisfy our curiosities . We learn to drink and feed ourselves and to subsequently wear spaghetti in our hair , in our ears and everywhere else , creatively finger-painting with the sauce on everything within arm ’ s reach . We learn to talk and affirmatively state out loud , “ I can do it myself !” Even if a word is missing , parents understand . And so it begins : the road to independence .
Dawn ( left ) with her mom , Janet Bast . tried to make me feel comfortable and kept me company .
I ’ ll admit that I had a hard time wrangling in my inner three-year-old because I was frustrated . Mom respected my efforts . She let me get as far as I could before she offered assistance . She was supporting my independence at whatever level it was on a given day .
My mom has always been there for me , with me . She demonstrates by example what it means to be a strong , capable woman — to be independent .
We grow up , have families and become the caretakers for new little lives . We want to teach them , celebrate milestones , rejoice in accomplishments and most importantly — stand ready to help them . That instinct and desire to help our children never leaves us . Why then do we think it should leave our parents ?
This revelation came to me last year when I had surgery on my shoulder . While I ’ m certain far worse procedures and treatments exist , this one was a horrible experience for me . I ’ ll spare the details , save this one : It was a slap in the face of independence . Everyday activities , like washing my hair , opening up a bottle , or buttoning jeans , were next to impossible . My plan was to miss just one week of work , but I missed two weeks because I needed to take the pain medicine and muscle relaxers to get through the days and nights .
My husband ( who ’ s to be commended for suffering through my grouchiness during recovery ) stayed home to help for a couple of days . I am also blessed and thankful that my mom was able to help . Better stated , she was not just able to help , but genuinely wanted to help .
It took me a little while to get it — to realize that helping me was making her happy . That motherly caretaker role for her “ little girl ” was revived ! She helped me do many things and did for me those things I couldn ’ t . ( I wish I could ’ ve recorded my husband trying to put my hair in a ponytail and the resulting hairdo ! My mom came to the rescue .) She cooked , did laundry and helped me shower and get dressed . She drove me to physical therapy . She made sure I was taking my medication and using the medical equipment as directed . She
But independence is a double-edged sword . On the one hand , parents foster their children ’ s ability to go forth and conquer life . On the other hand , the children do go off and conquer , thereby needing parental assistance less and less and , quite unintentionally , making their parents feel less and less needed .
Being independent doesn ’ t necessarily mean you don ’ t need assistance . Just because you can do something on your own doesn ’ t mean you always should . By letting others assist you , you just might be bringing a little joy to their day , whether it be assistance from your mom or someone else .
Before my surgery , I hadn ’ t been attuned to the fact that moms need to be needed , no matter how old their children are . I never really thought about it until I was ready to go back to work . My mom was concerned about me driving with my arm still immobilized . To ease her mind , I drove her around my subdivision . When I was backing my car into the driveway , I heard a sniffle from my mom . She looked at me with a smile but also through tears as she said , “ OK , I guess you don ’ t need me anymore .” And that ’ s when it finally clicked .
It shouldn ’ t take a major event to help others in your life feel needed . If you ’ ve lost a parent , the reality of how much you need them is all too apparent . My dad passed away 16 years ago . I often find myself thinking about him , wondering what advice he would give or how he would ’ ve helped me and my children . The bottom line : Relax your definition of independence , joyfully accept help when offered by others and just let your mom be mom .
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