LEARNINGCURVE
How to size yourself up Roll on and squeeze to fix
The gentleman diver comes naturally equipped with a convenient bladder connector built-in at birth . For ladies , this is not the case , so a different solution is required , as my colleague Sam Clarke will explain .
For the men , there are a couple of options . The most common is to use an external condom catheter , a thicker version of a normal condom that comes with a band of glue on the inside and a spout at the end . They are supplied by various companies , all of whom are used to divers calling them up and explaining that they would like a size selection pack and the infamous ‘ wang measurer ’, a piece of card with semi-circular cut-outs on it with which you measure yourself .
You can even print them off yourself on the office printer on some card and cut out the shape when everyone has gone home . It ’ s best to go a little bigger if you ’ re between sizes . Ideally go for the ‘ wideband ’ type that has extra glue on it for a really secure fit . I ’ ve tried lots of different brands and my favourite is the Bard Care Clear Advantage Spirit ( style 3 ). It comes with a moulded bit just before the spout that makes fitting a doddle ; the silicone is breathable for extended wearing , and the adhesive wicks moisture to minimise skin irritation .
Fitting the condom catheter is something not to be done in a hurry in the rocking , cramped toilet of a boat . It ’ s best done before you go out , so you have plenty of time to take things nice and slowly . Some preparation is required before the trip - a short buzz cut in the general area , followed by the very careful use of a razor or some Veet to leave the old feller without any straggling hairs will make removal later much less painful as otherwise your eyes will be watering . ‘ Shaved to the base ’ is a phrase that is fun to try and get into presentations at work .
The trick with fitting the thing , is to make sure the sticky bit on the inside doesn ’ t stick to itself and prevent the pee exiting where it should .
Once you have started , then just fully unroll all the way . Then squeeze and hold for 20 seconds all the way round to activate the glue . A bit of stretching and pulling might be needed to ensure it ’ s completely unrolled and is fully in place . Once on , the nozzle on the end is usually a little long , so might need a careful trim with some scissors , or you can do this before fitting . A brief ‘ test pee ’ to make sure all is in place is a good idea . It also wets any stray glue on the inside and prevents it sticking together .
The other option for men is the He-wee , a reusable system where a seal is made like a little drysuit neck seal to the base , providing a sealed pocket . It ’ s important that the correct size is obtained , as it is possible , as one diver in our club found out , to end up in hospital with a worryingly numb and purple part of your body if the blood supply is restricted .
Plumbed into the pee valve hose
35