THEFUTURE
gof the spidgers . The artificial reefs of the old warships sunk off Cornwall are still a big draw , the original HMS Scylla a well bashed up rusty wreck , HMS Tickle looking resplendent in its coating of plumose anemones and the most recent one , HMS Spangle , has lost its coating of pink glitter paint to a layer of kelp , urchins and for some inexplicable reason that marine biologists are still arguing over , crown of thorns starfish .
We took the opportunity to do a bit of GSAC ( Global Sub-Aqua Club ) training harking back to the old days . Dressed only in a rugby shirt and carrying a Calor gas bottle , we chucked one of the guys in with a rope tied to his ankle , Trevor Hampton River Dart style . Eddie declared it a ‘ bracing experience ’ which the committee should enjoy almost immediately as he pulled them all into the sea using our Heinke Trophy as a shot weight , what with it being covered with so many little shields .
From Lochaline we then headed north towards Oban . Since the Earth ’ s polarity flipped , Compass-Rite became the most valuable diving equipment company due to a container full of mislabelled compasses . Out for a quick dip in the Corryvrechan whirlpool , always an energetic chuckle but with the thrust-o-matics at full chat , you can whizz round and round sobbing for your mother until the currents throw you out at the surface . Then back to the town where we dived the main street and harbour , now a few metres underwater even at low tide . The Oban Inn still looks cleaner than it ' s ever been when it was above water , although at least they have an excuse for the weak beer .
As we don ' t have to muck about with all that tedious decompression , the four dives are normally about right , so people aren ' t too tired to enjoy the evening back at the accommodation , which at £ 250 a night is cracking value for money . A singsong of some golden oldies ( Busted – Year 3,000 is a firm favourite ), a couple of Gargleblasters and Ginnantoniks then off to bed in our sleeping pods to get our two hours accello-sleep . At last Steve has had his snoremuffler screwed into his sinuses which after 40 years of window rattling while he is asleep is a blessed relief .
Marines parks at last !
Sunday is always a slow day after the previous evening ’ s jollies , so we hoverboated out to Tobermory to dive the pretty harbourside buildings . You can just make out the colours if you scrape off a bit of life . Children are still roaming the streets of ‘ Ballamory ’ in the rebuilt town , an exact copy built from the funds from the Duke of Argyll who finally found that elusive Spanish Galleon with all that gold in the harbour . Second dive was a nice easy scenic wall , covered in sea cucumbers , those really common pink sea fans , spiny spider crabs and elegant sea slugs . Visibility was the usual 20-30m as Puffling had sent their vizo-matic robot basking shark round the area the day before . Being slap bang in the middle of the Mull Marine Park , one of the set aside areas finally ratified in 2053 , it is pretty spectacular for the sea life – you can really tell the difference in only 20 years . Areas that were barren from the scallop dredgers now have so much life you have to battle with starfish ; you can hardly see the rocks for the blimming schools of fish and the lobsters are big enough to put up a proper fight .
So , with the day ’ s diving done we set the adaptive suits to ‘ mankini ’ as the sun was out for us to catch a few rays on the way home . Since the ozone layer has been repaired by stopping the cows from farting , it ’ s much safer than it was in the Forties when wandering out for an hour at midday would have your skin redder than a two year old ’ s straining potty face . Back on to Faff and Min for the journey home , stopping at the Green Wader for microwaved lasagne and more rotted fruit for the Mr Fusions , then a blast down the river at Kirby Lonsdale to wash the hoverboats off , only partly annoying the locals with the plumes of spray , Busted tunes and billowing mankini gussets .
A great club weekend , half a dozen excellent dives , some training , lots of sea life to poke , a hearty sing-song and dewy eyed reminiscing about the good old days when men were real men , women were real women and small furry sea otters from Lochaline Pier were real small furry sea otters from Lochaline Pier .
Oh and this week ’ s Lotto numbers are 3 , 12 , 18 , 35 , 36 , 42 and the bonus ball is 4 . z
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