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Dan Rudnick
Comment Editors: Julia Molloy & Sam Smallridge
[email protected]
Where would we be without Lancaster University?
T
he first major push to establish a university in
Lancaster was in 1947.
However, given that 2014
is our 50th anniversary, it’s clear
that local campaigners must have
failed to secure the project several times. In November 1961,
they got lucky and the House of
Commons declared that a new
university was to be founded just
outside Lancaster. But their luck
could have easily gone the other
way. What if the county council
decided not to push for a university in northwest Lancashire?
What if the higher education
authorities had never decided to
build four new universities in the
first place? What would the world
be like today without a Lancaster
University?
Of course, the first thing that
springs to mind is hundreds of
thousands of potential students
without their certificates. Let’s
pick out one alumnus: a then
30-year-old international student named Rami Hamdallah.
Without his PhD in Linguistics from Lancaster, Rami never
would have become the renowned
academic who tripled student enrolment at An-Najah National
University, and would never have
been picked by the Palestinian
Authority to be prime minister. Hence, Hamdallah wouldn’t
have resigned during the June
peace talks, which would have
left president Abbas in an overconfident, dictatorial position.
Palestine would have become
a major target during the Arab
Spring, which in turn would have
increased tensions in the ArabIsraeli conflict and forced Iran to
rush the completion of their nuclear facilities. In their haste, the
Iranian technicians would have
caused a nuclear meltdown that
was mistaken by the international media for American sabotage.
The only logical conclusion is
global thermonuclear war. So be
nice to Linguistics.
Lancaster would be quite safe
from the apocalypse, however, because the city would be a
ghost town by then. Lancaster
was stunted by the silting up of
the river and largely survives on
around a third of the population
learning or working at the University. Clearly, without the vital
inputs of student rent, research
partnerships, and amateur performances, Lancaster wouldn’t
have had the economic strength
or theatrical splendour to withstand Britain’s shift to the service
sector. As the population slowly
drained away, the 2008 financial
crisis would have thrown the remaining locals into turmoil. Even
now, police would be retreating into Poundland as protesters
march on St Nicholas Arcades.
High-profile council workers
would fight for the title of Duke
of Lancaster and the victor would
organise marauding legions to
sack Morecambe from his shakily fortified pleasure dome in
the Ashton Memorial. Within
months, our 900-year old city
would be deserted.
Research is a key part of Lancaster’s legacy. Ignoring the
myriad of papers on medicine,
cyber security, and high finance,
the University has hosted one
of the first international work-
shops on “space weather.” Despite the strange name, without
the research behind this workshop, electricity grids around
Earth would be at the mercy of
the stars. Every decade or so,
the planet undergoes a series of
geomagnetic storms caused by
radiation from the sun. In previous years, they have caused
power cuts in Canada and Sweden. The space weather workshop
is enabling national grids around
the world to protect themselves
against similar damage. Without
Lancaster around to help, these
power cuts could go on for days.
There would be no lighting, heating, broadcasting, or water.
A slightly more realistic problem is witchcraft. Had the University architects never constructed
a campus here, this ridge would
be prime real estate for magical
cults trying to evoke the infamous Pendle witch trials of 1612.
From their fire-lit encampments
on high, they would bring pestilential curses upon the townsfolk
and conjure malicious spirits to
walk the M6. That might not be a
problem in itself, because magic
isn’t real, but a cult of witches
would invariably bring a second cult of witchfinders. Fights
would break out regularly around
the countryside and local wildlife
would be ruined by people trying to gather the most mysterious
ingredients in an alchemical arms
race.
But surely, you ask, the University Grants Commission would
have just established another
university somewhere nearby?
They almost certainly would, but
that is my greatest concern. The
other major contender for the new
northwest university was Blackpool. “The University of Blackpool” just doesn’t sound right!
Where would they put the wind
turbine? There is in fact already
a University of Blackpool based
in a pub in Dublin, which hands
out qualifications that are not
recognised in the UK or Ireland.
I can’t imagine moving students
to a pub in Blackpool would have
changed that. Clearly, a university celebrating Z\