What Does Berena Mean To Me?
I muse. I am a 50-something professional woman, who left her marriage to a man, and now lives as an out lesbian with her girlfriend of 11 years. What could Berena possibly mean to me?
It means everything. On the small screen, week in week out, two incredible actresses are telling my story. They are mature. They are professional. They have lived straight histories. They are falling in love with each other. In living rooms everywhere people are seeing this is not just possible but this is wonderful. They are recognising my desire.
Representation matters. I feel validated. I feel I have been given permission to express my true self. People will no longer view my choices as second best.
I feel erotically empowered. I feel liberated.
I discover # Berena on twitter. I discover a whole community of women, of all ages, all backgrounds, from across the world, who share my elation and excitement. I discover a community with whom I can swoon and tease. I discover a community which cares. We are fragile, we are insecure, we have anxiety, we are closeted, we are out, we are unsure, we are awakening, we are starting out on life, we are looking back on it. We help and guide each other. We respect each other’ s journeys. We do not judge. And when life, real life, becomes too much, we reach out to each other with unconditional support. We become friends, even lovers.
I discover Berena fan fiction. I read it. Devour it. It lives in my head in between the scenes that play out on my screen. It energises my imagination. I write it. I find I love to write it. At last I am able to be creative again.
Berena matters. It matters more than it should. It becomes disproportionally important to me. An obsession. The rules of drama require that there must be angst. There must be heart break. I live in fear of it breaking. I rake through every mention for signs. It is starting to hurt. I know it is pretend. But I need it to be ok. I need their love, my love, to last. Logic tells me actors of this calibre move on. But my heart will actually break if their love ends. I bargain with the gods …. a long distance relationship where we don’ t even see one of them is fine, just don’ t break them up …..
So what does Berena mean to me? You tell me. Z. S.