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Anticipation, Disappointment, Memory
BY HUANG JINGFEI
There is an unknown side of my personality. It is so extreme,
erratic, and strong that it brings pain and struggles.
It always says to me: “You have to make your life organized;
you have to get up at 5 to study; you have to score a hundred;
you have to climb as high as you can; you have to get into top
universities in the world; you have to be perfect; you have to be
the best.”
I name it expectation.
Inevitably, expectation introduces a new friend called disap-
pointment.
It is also as naughty as expectation.
“What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be better? You are so
useless.” These moments in my life are dark ones. I had no idea
that there was going to be what the press has since represented
as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea how far the
tunnel has extended, and any light at the end of it was a hope
rather than a reality.
Do I like these parts of me? I can’t answer, because they are
indispensable.
But looking back down the road, all the conflicts, self-doubts,
and heart-breaking moments become invaluably precious as
they taught me lessons I could have learned no other ways.
They construct a bigger picture called memory.