Fear of Happiness
BY LI JIASHAN
I couldn’t write.
When facing the plank page, I couldn’t write. My ability to do
work, like a transparent shadow in my body, slowly vanishes.
Seeing myself in the mirror yet couldn’t recognize the reflec-
tion. A part of me is broken. Somebody tears it apart, strangles
it. It’s gone.
I used to be working several hours not feeling tired, now, with
not so much work, pressing a single key is equivalent to strength
with three deep breaths. My soul, struggles to live in the narrow
crack between the relaxation and hard-working separate state of
mind and body, just like me the person is “crawling between
earth and heaven.”
They said everything slows with depression, energy is drained,
every movement every word is a struggle. Eyes always slide
away, unable to concentrate, thought drifts, heart sinks, head
swings. Body is being dragged lower and lower, crossing the
earthly dust to the never-ending abyss that lays beneath.