said
Welcome readers,
Thanks again for joining the fantasy that is Round the Bend magazine. It gives me great pleasure to present this visual and auditory gem for May ... in 3D.
I had a hard time deciding who to fire this month, but after all the calculations had been done, the clock cards checked, the summoning of credit card slips from the lavish aftermath of customer wining and dining, the extra-mural petrol costs and the flagrant absenteeism had all been collated, it seems that I, once again, have come out on top. Being the highest paid member of RTB, I need to carry a torch of respectability, honesty, integrity and lead the flock into unblemished, written-warning-free perpetuity. You can see how the outcome of the audit has totally complicated the matter. To rectify this imbalance and in keeping with the EE status of the magazine, I fired the only disabled person I could find and in doing so, left RTB without an editor. So, who is writing this article you ask. Well, it's still me, but on an ad-hoc sort of basis without privileges. All the other employees of RTB are too busy out in the field acquiring infomation for important food articles, reviewing cars, taking photographs, interviewing interesting people and generally having a whale of a time, living the writer's dream, while I sit, office-bound, in a hiatus-like flux between being hired and fired and ponder my future leadership role at the magazine and all the infernal rulebook-based intricacies that go with it.
What's more is that in the background, someone left the TV on and all I can hear is the psuedo-feel-sorry-for-me whining of Oscar Pistorius being gnawed at by Gerrie Nel from cross-questioning hell. As this repetitive rubbish, with an entire TV chanel supporting it, plus a plethora of so-called qualified authorities on the subject who have much to say about nothing, wafts unceremoniously between the appointments in a bathroom and the incessant culprit's crying, all I have to say is "Turn the bloody TV off!" What a crock. Seriously, there are better things in life than the O.J. Pistorious trial. Get a life! Go for a walk! Play a game of Scrabble or chess! Write a poem! Draw on the constant flow of creative ethers that surround you! Sing! Take a photo. Kiss someone you love. Drink a glass of wine. These things are good for the soul, your heart and your general wellbeing ... not the OPT. As my buddy Bashar says, find your highest excitement!
Okay, I'm back. I had to attend a quick disciplinary hearing/mutiny where the staff decided that they do need a leader, a person of authority, integrity and loyalty to head up the magazine. After numerous failed attempts, via an add on Gumtree, to find someone willing and crazy enough to consider such a demotion, the staff decided to reinstate me as their undisputed uber leader and they also decided on a punishment which was fitting compensation for my misuse of the company credit card. My sentence - clean every window in the building. That's me in the background cleaning bird poop off the 3rd story windows. While dangling precariously in a harness, hastily fashioned by underpaid and disgruntled employees out of three dish cloths and a roll of unused fax paper, I had my secretary take some dictation from the window in the stock room on the 3rd floor. After she moved aside the old slide projector screen and the three drums of tile cleaner, we had unrestriced verbal and visual access. It didn't take long for word to spread about my over-budget-high-flying-act and soon enough, the rest of the staff were huddled around my secretary so they could smirk at me while I dangled in mid-air. I did my best to smile, but I was actually gritting my teeth ... grrrr.
My coup de gras was saying to the heartless oggling rubber-neckers, "My job here is done, see you on the second floooooooooooooooooor!"
In this issue we highlight Samuel Silva's excellent artistic talent as displayed on the cover, we visit Onse Rus guesthouse in Prince Albert, check out rock band Red Huxley, make perfect pancakes with Ancilla Delicia, view Chris Krog's amazing wildlife photography and hear from Vusi Mulambo our motoring correspondent. It's a bumper issue!
Enjoy the ride!
ad-hoc
Stuart Reichardt