Design by James Jones
SOLICITED ADVICE
IT FEELS
So Good
BY DAN SOLIN
When I first started to write books I would lament how difficult it was to achieve sales . Friends and family would tell me , You need to go on Oprah . I would nod politely , but here ’ s what I ’ d be thinking : Great idea . I ’ ll just call her up and we ’ ll set a mutually convenient time for my appearance .
Unsolicited advice is almost always unwelcome and often demeaning . Even when someone seem to be asking for advice , it can be a trap .
IT FEELS GOOD
We love to give advice . I should know . I ’ ve spent my entire adult life-giving advice as an attorney , a wealth advisor , a coach to investment advisors and an author . I ’ m giving advice in this blog ( ironically , my advice is to stop giving advice !).
Part of the reason we give so much advice is that it feels good . Talking feels better than listening . Being a dispenser of wisdom enhances our feeling of selfworth and self-importance .
What about the person on the receiving end ? According to neuroscientists , unsolicited advice is considered the second greatest threat to the amygdalae . The amygdalae functions in our brain to detect threats . It secretes chemicals when we feel threatened .
I doubt your goal when giving unsolicited advice is to trigger something akin to a
“ flight or fight ” response in others . Think twice before doing it . SOLICITED ADVICE
We ’ re so eager to give advice , we look for opportunities . When my friends heard me complaining about selling books , they ( wrongly ) interpreted my statements as a plea for help .
Often those who appear to be seeking advice just want to be heard . Before giving advice , ask a series of questions intended to discern the real issue . Here are some examples :
• What can I do to help ?
• What have you done to try to resolve that issue ?
• Can you give me more details about the problem ?
I differentiate advice in my core areas of competence from more general advice . If I ’ m asked an investing or self-help question , I have no problem sharing my views .
If the issue isn ’ t within my expertise , it ’ s unlikely I can add value . My goal is then to show empathy and not trivialize the concern being expressed by offering a glib solution ( like , you need to get on Oprah ).
When I ’ m tempted to give advice , I think about the difference in my brain chemistry when I dispense it ( a feeling of well-being and happiness ) and the brain of the poor soul on the receiving end ( like being attacked ). +
Dan Solin is the New York Times bestselling author of the Smartest series of investing books and The Smartest Sales Book You ’ ll Ever Read . Dan ’ s books have been widely praised by The New York Times , The Wall Street Journal , The Library Journal , Vanguard cofounder John Bogle and many financial columnists , authors and others . Hehas appeared on The Early Show , The O ’ Reilly Factor , MSNBC ’ s Week-end Economic Review , Fox Business and CNN ’ s Money , and has been interviewed on many radio programs , including USA , CBS , ABC and on a number of regional NPR stations . He has shared the research in Ask with thousands of people in North America , Europe and Australia .
Visit his website at : AskDanSolin . com .
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