CONVERSATIONS cherished memory , a badge of identity . I wouldn ’ t dare .
I was wrong to assume people don ’ t want to talk about their tattoos . A tattoo is a powerful and permanent reminder of an event or expression of identity . In my experience , people light up with enthusiasm if I ask . It ’ s their daughter ’ s birthday , their life motto , their favorite quote , an ancient symbol . Tattoos reflect powerful emotions and life choices . I ’ ve never yet met anyone unwilling to tell me the story of their tattoo .
There ’ s an expression in social psychology called the Lesser Minds Problem , which is short-hand for the common , impatient and reflexive assumption we make about unknown people . Namely that strangers :
1 . Have less world experience than we do (“ They ’ re so foolish !”)
2 . Make decisions that are less informed because of their lack of experience (“ They don ’ t know what they ’ re doing !”)
3 . Have a less nuanced and unrefined understanding of the world because of their lack of experience (“ They don ’ t understand how the world works ! Idiots !”).
If I have a headache and it is painfully debilitating , and then you tell me you have a headache , I may likely think , “ Sure but it ’ s nothing like this headache !” Our own subjective pain is usually more painful than someone else ’ s . Which is why almost everyone buys “ extra strength ” pain medication . We believe our experiences are deeper , more meaningful , more enlightening , than other ’ s experiences .
In a research paper called More Human Than You , Nick Haslam and his colleagues show that we ascribe more human characteristics to ourselves than strangers . When asked to evaluate how curious , sympathetic or imaginative a stranger was compared to themselves , participants consistently described themselves as possessing more of these human nature traits . People tend to see themselves as more dimensional , and more mentally complex , than the strangers we encounter in the world .
The obvious secret to finding the humanity in others is to talk to strangers so they ’ re not so strange any longer . When you interact with people , their humanity becomes undeniable .
With over 60 % of younger people ( 18-25 years old ) now experiencing moderate to severe loneliness , we need to recognize that connecting with other humans is an essential human need , like breathing , exercising and thinking . In Joe Keohane ’ s new book The Power of Strangers : The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World , he offers ideas on how to break the silence , connect with others , and enrich understanding .
Start by finding safe places to start a conversation with a stranger . The “ cosmopolitan canopy ” is an expression coined by sociologist Elijah Anderson at Yale University to mean safe public and semi-public places where starting a conversation isn ’ t considered weird or too out of place . Coffee shops , libraries , grocery stores , public squares and markets are all environments where initiating a conversation isn ’ t too odd or off-putting .
Shared experiences are also good environments . If you ’ re both watching a baseball team winning , or your local high school team losing , you have a shared point of departure .
Answer greetings honestly . A few years ago , my mom died of cancer . Within an hour of hearing the news I went for a walk by myself . A neighbor walked by and asked , “ Hi , how are you ?” I hesitated and then told her the truth . My mom had just died . My neighbor gave me a hug and we spoke about the fragility of life . It ’ s the most meaningful brief interaction we have ever had , and yet to this day we always share a kind moment when we see each other in the community . And I believe that kindness can be traced back to that one moment of human honesty .
Perhaps one of the most accessible tips Keohane gives is to break the script . Our script is the pro forma things we say every day to talk , and yet not talk . We say Hello , how are you ? as a throwaway comment to fill dead air . We don ’ t actually intend someone to answer . Try breaking the script and actually answering the question truthfully . “ Oh , I ’ m alright . I didn ’ t sleep too well but I had a fun yoga class . I ’ d say I ’ m about a 6 or 7 right now . “
When you answer truthfully , it ’ s a cue to the other person that this could be interesting . This could go somewhere . It ’ s playful , audacious , and an invitation to deepen the conversation . Take a chance . Open a conversation with someone new . +
Entrepreneur , author , idea developer . Shawn Hunter has collaborated with hundreds of business authors , executives , and researchers to create learning solutions . Shawn ’ s first company , Targeted Learning , was acquired by Skillsoft in February 2007 . He is the author of Out • Think and Small Acts of Leadership .
MindScaling . com and ShawnHunter . com
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