WISELY
DATING
By Alison Baine
In my later college years, I lived in Malibu,
CA, and worked with a woman who owned a
consulting business and non-profit homeless
ministry. I was amazed by how wise and
confident she was - wise in working with
difficult situations, wise with boundaries, and
wise with relationships. I really craved wisdom,
but didn’t understand that it comes through
experience - learning about how others think,
working on boundaries, and then inevitably
picking yourself back up, learning from your
mistakes and moving on.
I once had a professor who said that almost
any mistake can be fixed prior to your 30s. If
that’s the case, then I am royally messed up. I
got married at 27, started a new career at 31
and then was filing for divorce at 32 with a
precious little girl in tow. I had been through
hell. Looking back, there were signs when we
were dating that things weren’t quite right,
but I didn’t have the experience or knowledge
to pinpoint those red flags. So, through a long
process, I have gained and continue to gain
wisdom - not in the way that I had imagined
in my early 20s, but nevertheless something I
wouldn’t trade back for anything.
Wisdom is priceless. I am still learning, but here
are a few nuggets of knowledge that I have
gained along the way that I use to guide my
healthy dating:
ASSESS YOURSELF
Think about your past relationships, your family
history and why you are the way you are. See
a counselor if you need to - understand who
you are, your weaknesses, needs and strengths.
Safe People by Cloud & Townsend does a great
job of going through this.
WORK ON YOUR BOUNDARIES
Know how to deal with people who cross your
boundaries – in dating, at work, with family
and friends. You will have a healthier, happier
life because of it. Read Boundaries by Cloud
& Townsend.
CONSIDER FAITH
If your faith is important to you and the person
you are dating claims that it’s important to
him, ask him if he would be looking to date
someone of the same faith if he was not dating
you. Faith is one of those things in which you
want to be on the same page.
KNOW THE SIGNS OF ABUSE
Look up the signs of abusive relationships,
gaslighting, and more extreme personality
disorders (like narcissism and sociopathy). If you
see any signs in your own relationship – safely
run the other way.
Abuse often cycles and will go through stages:
relationship tensions building (victim becomes
fearful and tries to placate the abuser), an
incident (verbal, emotional or physical abuse),
reconciliation (abuser apologizes, minimizes
event, claims it never happened, or blames the
victim), calm (incident is “forgotten” or called
the “honeymoon phase”), and then the cycle
repeats itself.
The nonprofit, One Love Foundation, does an
excellent job of creating awareness campaigns
and sharing others stories. If you read this and
rea lize it’s happening to you, find a safe person
(like a counselor) to talk to and come up with an
action plan.
REVEAL | Q3 2017
29
PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS
If the person you are dating has been married
before or was in a serious relationship, find out
what he did to heal from the dissolving of the
relationship. Did he go to counseling? Does
he know why the relationship ended? Does
he know what his role was in the failure of
the relationship? How does he talk about the
previous relationship - is it with resentment or
does he sound like he has taken the good and
the bad and moved on?
There are so many things you should
consider when entering a serious relationship
(personality, job motivation, interests, etc) but it’s
never too early (or late!) to start to think wisely
about what would be a healthy relationship
for you.
As a native Atlantan, Alison grew up in Brookhaven
where she attended Greater Atlanta Christian School.
She received her Bachelors of Arts in Communication
from Pepperdine and her Bachelors of Fine Arts
from SCAD Atlanta. She began her second career in
interior design in 2013. After working in hotel design,
she went on her own full-time with her residential
design firm, Alison Baine Design, LLC.
She currently lives in Buckhead with her five-year old
girl and twelve-year old Maltese, Apple. She loves
discovering new restaurants, volunteering with her
church, meeting dog and child moms for playdates,
and participating in the design community in Atlanta.