I have always told my students that the day I no longer can learn is the day I no longer need to live in the physical world. What is the purpose of living on this amazing planet amongst All That Is, if not to learn? Operating through this frame of reference, I knew the birth of my son would hold tremendous value for me in a multifaceted and fundamental way.
My daughter’s birth four years ago was challenging for me in a myriad of ways, both physical and spiritual. After 55 hours of labor (45 hours at home and 10 at a hospital), she was delivered amidst standard labor procedures (drugs and interventions) via C-section. I was subsequently informed by the doctors that I was not producing enough milk to clear her rapidly heightening jaundice, sending her into the NICU for several days for more interventions. (Years later, I have come to understand that her jaundice was not caused by my “lack” of ability to produce milk, but rather, our ABO incompatibility.)
For the years between their births, and coming up on my son’s due date, I carried great trepidation about my ability to hold the vibration necessary to allow a natural childbirth. Being the studious sort, I took another round of birthing preparation classes, this time with a dear friend (also a practicing doula and lactation consultant) and spent a tremendous amount of time exploring myself as a spiritual being in conjunction to being a physical one.
As a teacher of Goddess Magicks, I needed to probe into my deep personal feelings of shortcomings in my work. How could I teach the magick of the Goddesses if I failed to do what I felt was the most magickal and powerful of Goddess-work in the natural delivery of my own child?
It was then that I rediscovered and relearned the power of surrender. I was not a failure; I was a self-made victim of what has in recent years become the “baby industry.” I allowed myself to be swept into the world of “norms” and modern fears around pregnancy and birth. During my powerful awakening, my soul renewed its connection to the Goddess, the Great Mother. I allowed my brain to be reeducated in the fundamentals, rebooting my basic knowledge and understanding from the human perspectives. What could my body do? What were all the options and possible interventions? What were my responsibilities and rights? What was my birth plan, my true desires…? Worse yet, I tightened my need for control over my birthing process, trying to force a natural experience…rather than surrendering to it.