He thought about going back and asking for some kind of advance. Anything that would just put a couple of bucks in his pocket so he could buy a few presents. Then, he remembered the McNally’s went with them onto the street. They locked the door behind them as they left. They didn’t live at the tavern. That was only their place of business. He had no idea where they lived.
“Oh, dear Lord, what have I done? What got into me? It was the damned whiskey!”
It was getting late. He looked around him but only saw darkness. No one was out on the street tonight. They were huddled close in front of cozy fires. They were drinking warm punch. They were singing songs. They were wrapping presents. They were making merry. And here he was miles from home, broke, stupid, ashamed, and uncharacteristically drunk. He was beside himself with misery.
What was Kitty doing now? What were his kids thinking, dreaming, expecting? Kitty’s words came back to him. But, now they weren’t her words at all.
They were somebody else’s words and they hit with a vengeance. “Don’t blame yourself for not being productive and providing…”
“Oh, God!” he shouted to the very heavens. “Please help me! I got a job. I did what I set out to do this morning. Kitty told me not to go - but I did and I did it! What do you mean don’t blame myself?
Who else is to blame? I’m not productive and I’m not providing. It’s all my fault.”
Germantown Avenue was so empty of human life that Eugene’s words bounced off the buildings on the opposite side of the street and echoed back into his ears. He laughed like a madman. His laughter, too, reverberated back into his brain and mocked him.
And then the voice spoke: "You are a fool, Eugene. You scan the newspapers for opportunities that do not exist. Why? Do you think you can make money from government contracts? By selling plumbing supplies and pool tables like the other man did?
He already had a company. You have nothing. You can’t even read sheet music. Face it man, you're a failure. There's no harm in admitting what you already know, is there? Do you really think Kitty meant what she said?
REGINA | 95