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A Multiplication
Question
This week my pastor’s sermon offered an interesting understanding of the God of the Old Testament. People who think of God as a divine killjoy with a lot of rules and punishments missed the fact that his first two rules were: 1) Have a lot of sex and make a lot of babies and 2) Freely Eat! As I sat listening to the “Be fruitful and multiply” translation, I thought of a question:
You both have children from previous marriages, and you (or your spouse) no longer can have children due to preventative surgery. Before the marriage you both agreed to no more children. Now your spouse wants a bambino and will pay for reconstructive surgery. What would you do?
This is a tough situation, but doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. I can guide you to identifying your true feelings and misgivings in order to discuss the issue with fewer emotionally inappropriate responses in order to get better results.
Consider the basis on which the decision was made prior to the marriage.
What led you both to agree that you would not add beans to the pot, so to speak? If it was a financial decision has the situation changed? Having a child is an expensive undertaking. Perhaps it was because you felt that you were both too old. How could that feeling have changed? By old, did you mean how you feel or the actual age? Would making a decision to take better care of your body and appearance change your perception of your ability to handle a child? Maybe you felt that a child would not fit into your future of travel and adventurous endeavors. If that has not changed, then what could possibly help you in that area? Would you consider a nanny (if money were not an option)?
Has your desire percentage for a child increased at all over the course of your marriage so far?
If you had zero desire to have a child before marriage, but now, after five years, your percentage has increased to twenty percent, how did it happen? It may be that prior to marriage your worry of being trapped was a true fear, but after spending five years with your spouse, you no longer view the bigger picture as a trap. As a matter of fact, your spouse is so wonderful to you that you want the have a little DNA copy! On the other hand, if your feelings have not changed at all, stay on the path of your first mind. There is nothing sadder to see than the eyes of an unwanted child.
Does your spouse want a lifetime commitment or an event?
This question is similar to the Marriage Vs. Wedding dilemma. Many couples spend so much time planning for the one-time event, but very little time in counseling and preparing for the lifetime commitment. If your spouse is simply having a midlife crisis, or is suffering from grief of loss in another area, having a baby may seem to be a fix. However, the crisis and grief will extend into the schedule for taking care of your child, and your feelings towards that child may be forever tainted by the connection to the occasion for grief.
When considering your partner’s idea, remember to be honest but tactful with your feelings. As shocking as the suggestion may be, try not to ridicule or dismiss your partner’s feelings. Find out how long this idea has been brewing in your partner’s mind, and try to match that timeframe at least with considerations, even if you feel you are positively against it! Your partner will be there for life, so there is no reason to make a part of that time bitter as a result of your attitude or demeanor towards them during this reflective soul-searching period.
Be sure to take time to heal beyond major painful events. Pain should not birth the idea of a child. Nor should one think of just the cuteness of a baby. Sitting down and planning for babysitters, neighborhoods with the right school opportunities, extra-curricular activity funds, and college funds should be included in the discussion. These are long-term plans and will remind you and your spouse that the commitment DOESN’T end at the age of 18 necessarily. A child may have a mental or developmental delay or a disability that requires more money and resources than you both have at your disposal. What will you do if one of you needs to permanently leave a job to care for a child?
Now, couples, go do what Our Father said! Be fruitful and multiply! Just remember you can multiply the love and respect in your marriage as you follow God’s first two rules enthusiastically.
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