Real Life Real Faith Wisdom for Everyday Life March/April 2016 issue 2 | Page 29

People deal with pain in different ways. What I know now that I could not have possibly known then, was that my Momma was “laid low” when she realized my hero and hers, was not going to walk through the door calling for her again, and kiss her like he hadn’t just seen her twelve hours before. He had done it every day. I know she had to really miss that hug and kiss. I missed it and it wasn’t even me who was getting hugged and kissed! They never hid their affection! I felt the power of love in that house. Every day! I felt it even when the steel mill had my father captive for all those hours daily. It was like he left part of himself behind to keep us going until he was back. When he died he left my mother behind in a big house, with a sad little girl, and no loving hugs and kisses to be had again, ever. After the funeral she left me and went on a journey. And when she finally came back and unpacked the suitcases and put them away, she was different. She was fighting back tears every single day for the rest of her seventy-nine years. I witnessed how that can hurt, and how that hurt can be like a living breathing thing in a place. Yes. I had a sad story, and I felt that was all I would ever have.

I began a long string of self-destructive behavior. Either you have lived it, or, you have been close enough to feel the fire of that kind of recklessness. I was on a mission through the military, marriage, childbirth and eventually divorce, to destroy myself, and every unfortunate soul anywhere near me.

Finally, when I had gotten to the point where I had “sunk so low I couldn’t sink no more”, God began revealing Himself to me. He allowed me to walk away from a dealer I owed and who had vowed to kill me. He looked right through me like I wasn’t even there. God kept me. He was calling me back, but I was not yet aware of the power of His love. I kept dying a little every day. I became involved with a violent man who did end up stalking me with the promise that he would kill me when he found me. I was so sad by then. Maybe deep down I hoped he would end me, But. God! He chose that I “live and not die”. He walked me through death and darkness and gave me love that gives “life to the dead things” and shines a light that chases away all darkness! I’m not here because of myself, but in spite of myself! Because of Him I LIVE after so many years of chasing down death! I am a new creation in Him!