Abandoned and Ashamed
9
It was the time when I first started to understand how the justice system works in life. I understood that there wasn’t even justice in life at all. Life kicks you on the ground and no matter what you try to defend yourself against falling down, eventually you fall down; however, it doesn’t continue punching you until you get up and face it again with all of your confidence. I learned this life lesson early, when I was eleven.
I had a best friend named Gökberk when I was eleven. He was shorter than most of his “age-mates” – even sometimes people who saw us think that I am older than him even though he is one year older than me- and he had found a genius way to fix his deficiency by being thin and muscular. Yeah he was smart and we were having great time together until one day. That day, he learned that he had to leave the city, where we both leave together, once and for all, because his middle-aged, plump father –looking alike like the one of the bad bosses in old movies- got a job in Gaziantep. This was an unfortunate and hurtful event which affected both of our lives –my life and my best friend’s life- in a wounding way. This was a fate which we cannot change. We could just make his leaving easier. However, it doesn’t matter how hard we try we cannot heal the all wounds.
Things got even worse. By the time he was leaving the city, we were angry at each other and I couldn’t even say “Good-bye my friend, never forget me as I won’t you either!” to him. Because of the fact that I was angry at him because of the fact that he was going to leave without me -his best friend-, that he was going to be gone for the rest of his life without knowing the “real” meaning of leaving. I was thinking that he was just going for a year or so; however, he wasn’t. I couldn’t know this until one year of time passed after he had left. A whole year. I couldn’t even say a proper goodbye to him before he left, because of my anger. This feeling made me to do a bad decision which I will regret later on.
When he left from the city I felt like he was
mad at me. Mad at me because I didn’t even
say a proper good-bye to him. Just a phone call which went like this:
-Hi Gökberk. How it’s going bro?
-Fine, even though I am leaving in the next several days.
-Oh, actually that was my purpose for calling you. I won’t be able come to say good-bye when you leave, because I need to… Uhh… I need to do some stuff here.
-No problem bro. I hope we will see each other at holidays.
-Yeah, inşallah. Anyway, see you later my old friend.
-Good-bye.
This talk wasn’t the talk he had deserved. He deserved much more. He deserved a face to face, friendly talk and a nice good-bye which comes with a hug after it. I didn’t give him what he deserved so I am now here, feeling abandoned and ashamed. Feeling pressurized under the fault which I did long ago. If there was a way to get back to that day and get a chance to say a good-bye I would say it.
Three and a half years have passed after the event. If it has passed ten, twenty, thirty or even more, it won’t matter either, I will still be feeling abandoned and ashamed… It was my mistake, my fault. A fault, a burden, that I will carry in my whole my life. I can’t change what had happened that day. Even if I try to heal the old wounds as hard as I can, I can’t heal the scars. I will feel ashamed for the rest of my life. I’m sorry, but feeling sorry isn’t enough sometimes.
Serkan Yılmaz
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