Pushin' On: UAB Spinal Cord Injury Model System Digital Newsletter Volume 37 | Number 2 | Page 3

of spouse and caregiver separate
are most successful. Keeping the
two roles as distinct and separate
as possible will help you to avoid
confusing and blurring the roles
in your mind. When you and your
spouse or partner are feeling
romantic, this will help you both
share in the intimacy of the moment.
Communication
Open and honest communication
is the life-blood of a healthy
relationship. Yet, couples are
often hesitant to maintain open
communication after a SCI – the
time when it is especially important.
Counseling can help couples with
the “dos” and “don’ts” of good
communication skills.
Dos
• Focus on one issue at a time
without bringing up past
problem issues.
• Be clear and direct when
talking. This means making sure
what you say is understood.
In fact, it can be helpful to
simply ask things like “Do you
understand?” or “Is what I am
saying clear?” and respond to
clarify if needed.
• One person talks while the
other listens. Two people talking
means no one is listening. You
cannot expect to be heard or
someone to hear you if both of
you are talking at the same time.
Don’ts
• Do not use the “Silent
Treatment” and expect others to
know what you think or feel.
• Do not use physical intimidation
or emotional blackmail. This
includes no threats of any kind
or saying things like “if you
really love me, you would…” or
“If you don’t do (something),
then I won’t help you with
(something).”
Solving Problems
Everyone has problems, and
caregivers as well as people with
SCI who have good problem solving
skills tend to have a higher quality of
life. Here are some tips to working
through a problem.
• Define problem – Figure out
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what the problem or challenge
is. Break big issues down into
smaller, more manageable
parts if needed and tackle one
problem at a time.
Brainstorm— Think about all
possible solutions. Make sure
everyone involved helps to
brainstorm for solutions.
Choose the solution you think
will work best. Make sure
the solution is acceptable for
everyone involved.
Try your solution to learn if it
works.
Evaluate results— You
have solved your problem if
your solution works. If not,
brainstorm, choose another
solution and try it. Most
solutions do not work perfectly
the first time. Trying again and
adjusting plans are keys to
success.
Resolving Conflicts
All relationships have conflicts. We
are all different with unique points of
view and opinions. Knowing how to
resolve conflicts can greatly reduce
or relieve stress in a relationship.
It might take some practice, but
couples can resolve problems
with effort. Here are some basic
areas you might expect to cover in
counseling.
Set ground rules
• Purpose – The goal of conflict
resolution is for both sides to
agree on a solution. It is not for
one side to “win” an argument
or get his/her way.
• Emotion - Anger is a common
reaction when two people
disagree about something. It
is nearly impossible to resolve
issues when you are angry. It
is important for each person to
step back when emotions flare.
Let those emotions calm before
making an effort to resolve
conflicts.
• Facts – Each person should
state the facts at hand. This way,
you both can agree on what is
fact and opinion.
• Opinions - Accept that opinions
can differ.
Follow the 4 basic steps to resolve
conflicts
Step 1- State the Problem
Couples have to know exactly what
the issue is before you can resolve
it. Clearly state the problem in the
form of self-expression and not
an order or personal attack. This
means avoiding “You” statements.
Examples of Request:
• “I prefer that we do
(something) this way.”
• “I would like to like to take
more time for myself.”
Examples of an order or attacking
statement:
• “You are going to do
(something) my way.”
• “You make me mad when you
do not give me a break.”
Step 2 - Listen
Listening is the hardest and most
important part of conflict resolution.
Listening requires an open mind
and willingness to hear what is said.
Here are a few tips to help you be a
better listener.
• Do not interrupt. Listen to what
is being said.
• Ask questions to better
understanding - without
interrupting.
• Listen without judging the other
person, criticizing the things
being said, and jumping to
conclusions.
• If you tend to have trouble
focusing your mind on what
is being said, you might try to
“repeat” in your head what is
being said as the person talks.
That way, you stay focused on
hearing what is said.
Step 3 - Problem Solve
Conflict resolution is often similar
to solving other problems. The best
approach is to again follow the
5 problem solving steps already
outlined. You want to work together
because your goal is to resolve the
issue in a manner that is acceptable
to all those involved.
Step 4 - Resolution
The issue is finally resolved when
the solution works for everyone.
Compromise is key.
UAB Spinal Cord Injury Model System
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