Jlsft (J) emetria : Pass on playing house until you ' re sure
the relationship - and you - can handle it .
He ' s Broke and Ready to Shack Up , but I ' m Not
Jlsft (J) emetria : Pass on playing house until you ' re sure
My boyfriend of two years lost his job six months ago and is now losing his apartment . He ' s asked to stay with me because he doesn ' t want to move back home with his mother . I feel bad for him , but I don ' t really want to live with him . What do I do ? -F. J .
He ' s jobless and broke . And since so many men tend to define their worth by their ability to provide and he ' s got no finances to contribute , he ' s likely broken , too . Moving in might be a come-up for him , but it ' s likely to be living hell for you . He doesn ' t have enough money to maintain a home of his own , which means he ' ll be living off you . Bills , groceries , rent or mortgage ? All you , you , you and you .
If you two were living together as an unmarried couple - more or less playing husband and wife - there ' d be no question that you should cover him . You want to play wife , then you do wifely duty , which would be to pick up his slack and make the best of it . But you haven ' t moved in together for a reason , and deciding to do so hastily and for his financial reasons would be a bad move .
Ready to Shack Up Demetria L . Lucas Orlando , Florida June 2014
He won ' t be destitute and living on the streets if you don ' t say yes . He ' ll be at home with Mom . Tell him you ' re not up for this challenge and don ' t think it ' s in the best interest of your relationship . Suggest other ways you can help without reaching into your pocketbook to fund this transition . Does he need help job-searching , restructuring his resume , practicing his interview skills ? That ' s your girlfriend duty to pitch in . Financially covering or supporting his basic needs while he ' s unemployed is not .
Even U11der the best of circumstances , living with someone is a huge undertaking . It sounds fun in theory , and it is in the early stages ( all access !) - and it certainly can be convenient ( cheaper rent !) - but there ' s a lot more to cohabitation than that . You ' re literally sharing your life and intermingling your finances . That is a major commitment , like a marriage but without its benefits .
People often ask me what I think about cohabitating before marriage , and my answer is often , " Well , it depends ." There ' s no definitive stance the way there is for what to do if your spouse assaults you ( leave , no question ) or if you catch him or her in the physical act of cheating ( leave , no question ). For a while my answer was : " Don ' t do it ! Reconsider ! Read some literature !"
But then I read a 2010 study by the National Center for Health Statistics that debunked the long-held belief that couples who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to divorce . The study
the relationship - and you - can handle it .
fo U 11 d that in an era when about two-thirds of couples who marry live together first , there are few differences between those who cohabitate and those who don ' t .
Of those who had ever cohabitated before marriage , the probability that they ' d still be together after 10 years is 60 percent for women . Meanwhile , those who did not cohabitate have a 66 percent chance of still being married after a decade . Whether moving in together is right depends on the couple ' s specific situation .
If you choose to cohabitate as a test run for marriage , I get it . Truthfully , you don ' t know anyone until you live with that person . It ' s a fact to which anyone who ' s ever shared a dorm room or apartment with even their same-sex best friend can testify . And for that reason , I totally get why a couple would want to share the same space and feel each other out and know if they can commit to forever-ever . In this case , even if cohabitation - and by proxy the relationship - doesn ' t work out , it ' s better to know that your conflicts can ' t be overcome prior to being locked into marriage .
But cohabitating without an end goal just isn ' t a wise move . I ' ve counseled too many women who moved in with their partners , thinking that it meant the relationship was going " somewhere ," and it was really just a convenient and temporary setup for their significant other . They took on all the responsibilities of a wife and received none of the privileges . They were devastated when things didn ' t work out as they ' d hoped .
I also know too many guys who lived with their partner , only to end up homeless , sleeping on a friend ' s couch and giving up almost all of their stuff ( out of chivalry , really ) when things went awry in the relationship . In both situations the endings were ugly , an added-on hell to an already unpleasant breakup . But these outcomes were inevitable because either the couple moved in together for the wrong reasons or there was never an end goal for sharing a space .
I tell you this so you don ' t feel guilty about your decision . As a concerned girlfriend of two years , surely you want to accommodate your partner ' s wishes , but it ' s important that you consider the longtenn effects of his short-term needs . Good luck !
Demetria L . Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root , a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn : The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life . She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week . Feel free to ask anything at askdemetria @ theroot . com .