12
FEATURE
WHAT MY ANXIETY PROBLEM DID FOR ME WAS BOTH SHOW ME HOW VULNERABLE I WAS TO SEEKING APPROVAL AND AFFIRMATION FROM PEOPLE, AND ALSO TO HELP ACTIVELY TO TURN AGAINST THAT AND TO CHOOSE TO BASICALLY PREACH FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE – GOD.
PREACHING AFTER A MENTAL BREAKDOWN
Will Van Der Hart
In 2005, Will was a young vicar leading a church near Edgware Road Station. On the morning of 7 July 2005 he opened his church hall to the emergency services as they battled to help the 163 people injured in the London bomb attacks. Will helped to counsel and pray for all involved. Later that year he began to suffer from panic attacks and acute anxiety, which led him to take a break from ministry. He is now a director of mental health charity Mind and Soul, and is the pastoral chaplain for Holy Trinity Brompton. He is currently recovering from a spinal operation and coping with ongoing pain following a serious injury.
‘ I had an anxiety breakdown in 2005 which was part of the reaction to being involved in the London bombings. Up until that point I was keen to deny the reality of life’ s struggles, and I followed a more sanitised version of what life looks like. Three months after the incident I became sleepless, agitated and fearful. I had panic attacks day and night. I didn’ t have a reference for what it was to struggle like that.
‘ After my recovery … I felt that the church wasn’ t a safe context for struggle, doubt or fear, and our preaching didn’ t express it. Often, we hear“ never be afraid” but there is no compassion for struggle. But when I read the Bible with fresh eyes, it was written for those who struggle – not denying reality, but offering a new hope in the reality we were experiencing. My preaching became more vulnerable as I experienced that struggle.
‘ I was trying to preach from a place of authenticity and to find God’ s story in the midst of suffering and challenge. The Bible is filled with stories of struggle. I could talk about what hope God had offered me in the place of difficulty.
‘ In a culture where some leaders have worked very hard to claim victory for Christians, there seems to be an absence of lament in preaching today. We love good news stories and those abounding in victory … but we don’ t look at the Scriptures and look at the struggles of Job, David, or Jeremiah. As a result we’ re offering a half message to people. People don’ t realise when they’ re struggling, that trying to bounce away from their pain doesn’ t offer hope.
‘ I wouldn’ t say I preached my best sermons on the back of recovery from an anxiety disorder, but … when we’ re vulnerable God increases and we decrease. In our vulnerability people really connect with God’ s glory.
‘ I learned that I needed to care less about what people felt, and more about what God was calling me to. Prior to [ the breakdown ] I was overly concerned about whether I had preached a good sermon or a bad sermon, but looking for praise from a congregation is dangerous. What my anxiety problem did for me was both show me how vulnerable I was to seeking approval and affirmation from people, and also to help actively to turn against that and to choose to basically preach for an audience of one – God. As a result of that, I took a lot more risks, to say what I thought God was saying.
‘ During that time I probably preached some terrible sermons, but the fact I preached them showed me I wanted to do what I was being called to rather than what people wanted. My preaching is better now because I was able to take those risks at the time.
‘ A number of things helped me to preach better. One was taking myself less seriously. When you’ ve been through a mental health struggle, you learn that you’ re not a superhero, nor an identikit preacher. Through struggle you find out more about who you are.
‘ There is a certain amount of stigma attached to mental health problems, and talking about it is not without cost for your reputation. People said to me,“ Don’ t talk about this because people will think you’ re a bit mental.” But I thought,“ I probably am a bit mental, so I’ d better carry on and be real.”’