Popular Culture Review Vol. 13, No. 2, Summer 2002 | Page 124

120 Popular Culture Review In the early 1980s, Monette heard rumors and ambiguous reports about a socalled “gay cancer,” but dismissed them from his mind in sheer relief that the disease had not disturbed the bliss of his relationship with Horwitz. Those hopes came crashing down on March 12,1985, when Horwitz was diagnosed with AIDS. From that moment, Monette observes, the world around him became defined by endings and closures. He notes that he and his friends in the Los Angeles gay community could hardly recall what it felt hke to live in a world without the icy terror of AIDS looming ever in the shadows. Chillingly, Monette observes: .. .we all watched the toll mount in New York, then in San Francisco, for years before it ever touched us here (in Los Angeles). It comes like a slowly dawning horror. At first you are equipped with a hundred different amulets to keep it far away. Then someone you know goes into the hospital, and suddenly you are at high noon in full battle gear. They have neglected to tell you that you will be issued no weapons of any sort. So you cobble together a weapon out of anything that hes at hand, like a prisoner honing a spoon handle into a stiletto. You fight tough, you fight dirty, but you cannot fight dirtier than it. (2) Borrowed Time painstakingly records two men’s daily confrontation with mortality, and in many ways the memoir reflects aspects of Kubler-Ross’ five stages of death theory. Monette is highly self-reflexive about the denial exhibited by himself and Horwitz, and the memoirist comes to the conclusion that such denial is abundantly human and an affirmation of the human spirit to forge onward even in the face of catastrophe. Before Horwitz was diagnosed with AIDS, the two convinced themselves that his symptoms were simply the result of a persistent flu bug. They also convinced themselves that AIDS was a disease that other gay men contracted, and that they somehow were magically immune from the devastation of the disease (5-7). And even when Horwitz’s diagnosis was official, the pair innocently— at least during the early stages of the disease—assured themselves they would be able to defeat it. Monette writes: “There is no end to the litany of reassurance that springs to your lips to ward away the specter. They’ve caught it early; you’re fine; there’s got to be some kind of treatment. That old chestnut, the imminent breakthrough” (8). Kubler-Ross observes that denial is common with almost all patients, not only during the early stages of illness but also later on from time to time. She notes that patients can consider the possibility of their death for a while, “but then have to put this consideration away in order to pursue hfe” (52). Toward that end, Monette and Horwitz avoided using the word AIDS in front of each other, although Monette eventually confided in friends about his terror of losing his lover. “I know I uttered