features
terms of connection and you help the
child understand you and themselves.
You give them courage to be honest
about their mistakes and truly learn
from them, rather than get stuck in a
self-defensive response.
When you tell your own story of
events and emotions you help your
child make connections in their
developing brain. They are learning
about sequencing of events, emotional
vocabulary and how they connect
together. They are learning the skill of
storytelling which helps them make
sense of their world and others.
Practice regulating your own
emotions
to feel connected to you and safe,
even when they show other sides of
themselves through play.
Top tip – try to play alongside the
child rather than sitting opposite them.
Being alongside gives a feeling of
“being with” and accepting them as
they are rather than “opposing” them.
Have you ever noticed how it’s easier
to have more open conversations
whilst on a journey? Sitting alongside
can take the pressure off.
Keeping this playtime consistent
and regular helps the child know that
there will be a predictable time for
connecting and sharing each day or
week. If something is challenging, they
may be able to hold on to it until that
special time with their parent rather
than react in the moment. This is less
likely if they’re not sure when and
where their next outlet will be.
Ask less questions
This can seem counter-intuitive! Have
you ever been on a bad date that felt
more like a gruelling job interview? Too
many questions are exhausting. Too
many questions can make the child
feel pressured and stressed which
does not build trust. It is hard but we
have to sometimes sit back a little and
create space to allow our child to bring
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up what they need to. This takes trust.
Trust takes time. Be patient!
If you are in the habit of questions
and answers back and forth between
you and your child, how can you break
this? You may be thinking how else am
I supposed to communicate? You can
use more reflective statements. For
example, if your child says, “Today I saw
Joan at recess.” Instead of “what did
you do with Joan?” try “Oh you saw your
friend Joan today!” and wait… Keep
your attention and eye contact with the
child. Try it and see what happens.
Model being honest
Although we may aspire to be the
“perfect parent” in reality, no child
wants this. Imagine it? A parent
who always does the right thing,
gets the right answer and does
everything perfectly. How would that
feel? TERRIBLE! What pressure as
a growing human being you would
have to be “perfect”. Something that
is unattainable and, I would argue,
an illusion. Children (and people) love
authenticity. Put your hands up when
you’ve made a mistake. Be honest,
and brave enough to be imperfect.
There can be a fear of losing one’s
authority here. But what happens is
you gain more respect. You gain in
Pay attention to the little things
and be empathetic. From our adult
perspective, the size of the cup you
gave your son or how you cut your
daughter’s toast is not a big deal, but
for a young child it may be! Whether
we agree or understand the rationale
for their outburst or not, the emotion
is real to them. Empathise as much as
you can. Start as early as you can.
"When little people are overwhelmed
by big emotions, it's our job to share
our calm, not join their chaos,"
said L.R.Knost.
Now this is not easy and we
certainly cannot get this right every
time. Make sure you have some
strategies for managing your own
emotions such as deep breathing,
regular exercise, friends you can vent
to and perhaps your own personal
therapy. Noting down when you feel
triggered by your child and sharing
with your therapist can be really useful
for your own personal growth. Keeping
a journal can be very eye-opening (and
productive in terms of managing your
child’s and your own needs).
Rachel Winston is a registered play
therapist, filial/parent play coach,
licensed baby-bonding practitioner and
the founder of Full Cup Play Therapy.
www.fullcupplaytherapy.com