last word
Curse words for classy families
H
If you are a parent, it means you have no secrets,
shares Nury Vittachi
ave you noticed that a
significant percentage of
parenting time is spent
screaming at your children to
stop screaming?
Ironic, that. Researchers say
that even very young children are
now learning curse words, because
parents break their own anti-cursing
rules. “You’re three years old! Stop
[bleeping] swearing!”
My gently religious family has always
been totally non-cursing, with words
like “silly” being considered highly
risqué, and “poopyhead” causing
people to faint.
Not so in the outside world. I was
shocked recently when I did some
broadcasting and my loose-tongued co-
presenter was told that almost all curse
words were now allowed after 9 pm.
This is bad for everyone, because
researchers say that English-speaking
societies are running out of swear
words. They lose their power now we
live in a world where kindergartners
greet each other with: “Good [bleeping]
morning, you [bleeping] stupid [bleep].”
Scientists say curses are important
because they evolved to alleviate
physical and emotional pain. Still, I do
think some people should NEVER use
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bad words because they just sound
wrong in their mouths. Like weather
forecasters. “A [bleep]-load of rain fell
this morning, and the humidity level will
rise to a [bleep] of a lot by noon.” Just
doesn’t work.
One suggestion someone gave
me is to use swear words from other
languages. In the US TV show Firefly,
actors used real swear words, but only
in Mandarin and Cantonese. Guys, there
are a lot of people who speak Chinese
on this planet, or hadn’t you noticed?
Still, it’s true that non-English
speakers have some cool curses. In
Hindi, people insult each other by
saying: “You are the hair growing on
my flank area.” In Mandarin Chinese,
people say, “You son of a rabbit.”
(Sometimes you hear parents curse
lazy children with this phrase without
realising the irony.) I had an Italian
friend who used to say “Maladicta”
when I trod on his toes. It sounded very
“sweary” but he’s literally just saying
“Bad word.”
Some years ago, I had to train a
foul-mouthed newspaper reporter for
a job on live radio. We wrote a list of
words that sounded like curses but
were safe for broadcasting use and
taped them to her microphone. The
top three most satisfying ones were
Pool, Cow and Follicle. The next time
something bad happens, try shouting
“POOL” at the top of your voice. It
works really well.
If you want to be really classy,
I recommend making all dramatic
announcements in Latin. Here are
some useful phrases to get you started.
At the bar: “Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea
me necabit!” (“Dear God, look at the
time! My wife will kill me!”) On the
street: “Recedite, plebes! Gero rem
imperialem!” (“Stand aside plebians! I
am on imperial business.”)
And if you want to insult someone,
skip the expletives. The most horrible
curse in Latin is this one: “Utinam
logica falsa tuam philosophiam
totam suffodiant.” (“May faulty logic
undermine your entire philosophy.”)
Ooh, now that’s nasty, right?
One place where you can easily
express things in an impactful way
without using bad words is the Internet.
Or as I sometimes write to my children:
“Do not make me use CAPITAL
LETTERS.”
Nury welcomes your comments and
ideas at his Facebook page:
www.facebook.com/nury.vittachi