Playtimes HK Magazine September 2018 Issue | Page 38

features car, or selecting a movie or family meal. Letting all children have a say reduces any feelings of favouritism and helps children to appreciate their differences. Another key strategy is ensuring each child gets one-on-one time with a parent. Lucy Nightingale is a qualified instructor in parent effectiveness training (P.E.T.), using methods devised by psychologist Dr Thomas Gordon to assist families to communicate more effectively. Lucy explains that, “a better and deeper connection with the parent diminishes sibling rivalry, because the scarce resource of your time and attention is no longer so scarce.” Justine agrees that this special time is really important. “It doesn’t need to be an overnight trip; just saying that you’re going to pick them up from school so you can have some time together can be enough.” Lucy also suggests that helping children to enjoy each others’ company is vital. “Find activities they both enjoy doing or set up a project they can work on together – planning a family outing, decorating gran’s birthday card etc., then as much as possible leave them to it.” Lucy 36 www.playtimes.com.hk believes a common mistake made by parents is to routinely separate children and set them up with activities independently. “This may work in the short term, but only to the detriment of the sibling bond.” To bolster this bond, Lucy also encourages families to “make it a nightly ritual for siblings to say goodnight and I love you to each other. You need to give siblings the chance to create strong bonds of love and friendship.” The biggest no-no when it comes to siblings is comparison. Hands up if you are guilty of this one! Highlighting that one child is better at football than the other, or that one child is a more adventurous eater may seem harmless, but can add fuel to the sense of competition. “It’s hard, but we’ve got to be careful to see them as individuals and focus on their strengths and what they each bring to the team,” explains Justine. Think carefully about how you word compliments. Managing conflicts when they arise Unfortunately the first lesson for parents is acceptance. Believing that siblings should always get along is only going to lead to frustration. The second lesson is a tough one too – you have to try to keep your cool and be the parent; don’t get drawn into shouting matches. A particularly damaging mistake is “getting involved in conflicts in a way that causes children to feel parents are taking sides,” Lucy says. Rushing in when you don’t have all the facts can destroy your child’s trust in you – parents don’t always see what might have led up to a particular incident. “When you hear your child talking to a sibling in a way you do not like, or using physical force to get what they want, parents will often punish that child. This will only increase sibling rivalry and feelings of ill will.” Lucy points out that, “when a child comes to you with a complaint, often they are not looking for punishment for the perpetrator, just someone who will understand their upset that things have gone differently to how they pictured. Listen to your child’s hurt and reflect back how you think they are feeling, i.e. ‘Max said you couldn’t join in with the game. That’s hurt your feelings and you feel left out.’ Many times this understanding will be enough for the child to rush back to their game.”