features
We are not perfect, and we
will make mistakes. If we
shift toward chaos or
rigidity, we can
acknowledge this
without judgement and
move toward rebalancing
the family dynamic
Barbara, a mother of two, recounts the struggles
she faced last year when trying to deal with her
daughter’s bedtime shenanigans. Faced with a
defiant and angry seven-year-old who refused to
stay in bed, Barbara felt emotionally drained and
physically exhausted.
“I went through every stage to get through to
her: calmly talking, reasoning, pleasing, pleading,
punishing by taking toys away, and finally getting
angry. Then one night, I got her out of bed at 8.30pm
and together we walked up the Peak. At first, she
assumed I was being cruel to her and she pleaded to
return home, but I walked slowly and defied my inner
demons to be angry with her. Gradually the exercise
calmed us both down and allowed us to channel
our thoughts. For a while, neither of us talked. Then,
she broke the silence with: “Mum, I’m so sorry!”
Her thoughts were clearer, her hormones balanced,
and she realised I wouldn’t leave her to deal with
overwhelming feelings alone. Now, she is able to
self-regulate and will ask to ‘walk it off’ when she
feels stressed or anxious.”
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Don’t give up
It takes time and energy for parents to connect
and build relationships with their children and set a
good foundation, Gail says. “Time can be an issue.
Sometimes, parents want a quick fix to discipline.
They don’t always have the time to understand their
child, the age, developmental stage, and what is
appropriate. They may delegate to helpers, who
don’t discipline or are unsure of expectations. Also,
parents may be conflicted on what is discipline
versus punishment and how strict or lenient to be,”
Gail observes.
A lack of, too many, or inconsistent boundaries
can destabilise a family. Fortunately, children are our
greatest teachers, says Melissa.
“We are not perfect, and we will make mistakes.
If we shift toward chaos or rigidity, we can
acknowledge this without judgement and move
toward rebalancing the family dynamic: Repair the
connection between parent and child, later reflect on
the experience, let go of what happened and take
the lesson forward with us. Remember, every day is a
fresh start, for parents too!”