Do reconnect with your child Mulan , age five , wants to rule the roost . Her dad , Rick Wong Smits , says he prefers to reason with her than resort to time‐outs . He tries to stay calm but once in a while the pressure gets too much and he ‘ explodes ’.
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She shares the following scenarios :
You ’ re at the park and your child hits another child . Reconnect with your child physically through eye contact or touch , set the boundary with compassion and follow through with the natural consequence .
“ We don ’ t hit . Now we ’ ll walk to the bus stop and head home . We ’ ll come back another day and try again .” Discuss what happened and appropriate behaviour once you return home and your child has calmed down .
Or , you notice your child hasn ’ t placed her laundry in the basket before dinner as requested . Reconnect with your child and set the limit with compassion .
“ I can see you are tired after a long football training session : you really put in a lot of effort this afternoon . Your Dad is doing a load of laundry after dinner and if your uniform is not in the basket , then it won ’ t be ready for the game on Saturday . I know how much you ’ re looking forward to it . Remember , no uniform , no game time .”
Follow through on the natural consequence , rather than extend the deadline or forget about it altogether , and you won ’ t have to repeat the request five times in the future , Melissa advises .
Do reconnect with your child Mulan , age five , wants to rule the roost . Her dad , Rick Wong Smits , says he prefers to reason with her than resort to time‐outs . He tries to stay calm but once in a while the pressure gets too much and he ‘ explodes ’.
Over Christmas , he sought advice from a friend who rarely loses his temper with his children .
“ He said he takes the kids seriously – even if it ’ s the most unreasonable request – by repeating what they say . It takes away their need to shout or cry louder , which calms them down quite a bit and keeps him from exploding . Eventually they need to do what you want , but you have a much higher chance of getting there when you take them seriously and they ’ re not upset anymore ,” says Rick , a father of two and freelance video editor .
Children are more motivated to cooperate when they feel seen , safe , soothed and secure , Melissa explains . “ Once everyone involved has self-regulated and is able to see , think and hear clearly , reflection and coaching can begin through connection and with compassion .”
Certified Parent Coach Deborah Holcombe shares the principles of internationally acclaimed author , educator and child psychologist , Dr Daniel Siegel :
Wait until your child is ready . Be consistent but not rigid . Problem solve together . Stop talking and listen ( parent ). Validate , validate , validate . Reflect what you hear . Communicate comfort by getting below eye level . HALT and ask yourself if your child is Hungry , Alone , Lonely or Tired .
“ Put yourself in your child ’ s shoes and reflect on why they may be behaving a certain way . This doesn ’ t literally mean asking your child ‘ why ’ as this will put everyone in a defensive state . Use the ‘ why ’ as a way to start your own self-reflection and contemplation of what is causing the behaviour you see ,” Deborah advises . She also reminds parents to be realistic in their expectations and to consider their child ’ s temperament and emotional style when communicating expectations with them .
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