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Don’t dish out punishments
Punishments are ineffective and can have long-lasting
negative effects. For starters, when we use punishments
as a way to curb misbehaviour, we encourage obedience
out of fear.
“We don’t want our children to grow up believing they
should blindly obey authority figures and that privileges
and possessions will be taken away from them when they
don’t cooperate. When children are raised to be fearful,
they are more likely to be influenced by peers, engage in
aggressive behaviour or perceive themselves as victims
of circumstance,” says Melissa Shadforth, founder of
The Collective Journey, a Hong-Kong based platform
that offers mentorship experiences for children and
adolescents through connection and with compassion.
Also, punishments damage our connection with children.
When we banish children to their bedroom because they’re
in the midst of a meltdown, we leave them to handle
overwhelming emotions alone. We send a message that
their feelings and emotions are not valid or important, or
they’re simply too much for us to handle, Melissa explains.
“This perpetuates the cycle of more ‘defiant’ or undesirable
behaviour and can support a negative view of their self-
worth based on a parent’s conditional love.”
Moreover, artificial or forced punishments don’t help
children reflect on the order of events and understand
the natural consequences of their behaviour. They fail
to teach children how to set limits for themselves, self-
regulate or have compassion for self and others.
“It is important that our children understand why
they should behave a certain way; that everything
has a consequence; and that they have to own all the
consequences arising from their own actions,” says
Jonathon Siu, father of four-year-old twin boys.
“We discipline in a calm manner and try not to raise
our voices to achieve submission. Our hope is that our
kids will do the right thing because they have a strong
moral compass.”
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Do raise awareness of natural consequences
“Effective discipline is not only stopping unacceptable
behaviour or promoting positive behaviour but also teaching
skills and nurturing the connections in our children’s
brains that will help them make better decisions and
handle themselves well in future,” advises Gail Maidment,
executive director of Generations Christian Education,
a non-profit organisation encompassing Small World
Christian Kindergarten, the Norwegian International School
and Island Christian Academy in Hong Kong. She teaches
a number of parenting workshops created to help parents
raise confident children with grace and boundaries.
Parents can set clear and consistent boundaries
and raise awareness of any natural consequences
if boundaries are repeatedly tested or breached to
encourage cooperation and teach children lifelong skills,
Melissa says.