Playtimes HK Magazine February 2018 Issue | Page 70

last word
Walk on the Wild Side
A
Nury Vittachi celebrates transgender fish and the
faux end of Western civilisation
READER NOTIFIED ME of a mass sex-change taking
place in his country. Half the male fish in some British
lowland rivers have female characteristics, and many
can now lay eggs, research indicates.
This must be causing extremely awkward underwater
conversations. FEMALE FISH: “I have news, Stanley: I’m
pregnant!” MALE FISH: “Wonderful, darling, me too!”
Grandparent fish are surely delighted at the double portions
of grandchildren.
The reader, who wanted only to be known as Concerned
Teacher, said he only brought it up because many young
males in his class seem to taking the same journey. I told him
it was probably just a sign of the times, but he should call me
if any of his boys actually lay eggs so I can make a video that
goes viral, I mean, express my heartfelt concern.
Concerned Teacher sent a news clipping saying scientists
blame the problem on contamination by oestrogen, a chemical
known for causing mammals to purchase shoes and care
what colour curtains are. But why is there no corresponding
contamination from testosterone, a chemical that causes massive
growth in the human male’s most prominent organ, the ego?
“It’s apparently oestrogen from contraceptive pills which
leaks into nature and creates feminisation,” Concerned Teacher
said. Feminisation was originally detected in fish, whales and
dolphins, but has been found in land animals, including seals,
otters, polar bears, frogs, alligators, and, yes, humans.
The good news is that contraceptive-swamped Western
civilization is by far the most likely to be wiped out, which may
actually be worth it when you consider that the world would
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be rid of the Kardashians, British “food”, reality TV shows, etc.,
and even my Western friends agreed with that.
But further reflection suggests that a world in which the
only music, movies and culture were Eastern would be pretty
sad. There’s only so much Gangnam Style a person can take.
On the plus side,