last word
Dressing up for Big Boys
D
It's not what you wear but how your wear it,
says Nury Vittachi
efinition of being behind on the laundry: When
you find yourself seriously considering wearing a
Halloween costume to work.
I expected my wife to veto the idea, but she was
okay with it, saying: “It’s not what you wear that counts, but
whether you can carry it off.”
Mind you, this was in a phone conversation so she couldn’t
see what I was wearing. In the event, going to work in a killer
clown outfit was not as bad as it might have been, and the
fake bloodstains on the costume proved advantageous. Fellow
passengers quickly gave me a seat on the bus — actually, a
whole block of seats.
The main (and possibly only) advantage of marriage for
guys is that we are given full-time aides (“wives”) who generally
prevent us going out looking too ridiculous. Men lack the
enzyme which processes self-awareness, which is why we think
we look good in Speedos.
Proof: in my true crime file is a report about a criminal
fugitive on the run in Japan who disguised himself in a girls’
sailor suit school uniform. Since he was a tall man with massive
shoulders, he managed to evade detection for only minutes.
Another true story: last year, a pair of bank robbers decided
to dress as women to scope out a bank in Thomasville,
Florida. The result was the opposite of what they expected:
they became the centre of attention, of course.
It is really hard for men to dress convincingly as females
as we lack the two main things that make a woman a woman
– good taste, and the ability to walk with our feet clamped in
instruments of torture known as “lady’s shoes”.
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www.playtimes.com.hk
There’s one exception which proves my point. In November
last year, the coach of the Thailand women’s Kabaddi team was
dismayed to find out that males were banned from attending
women’s sports events in Iran, where his team was playing. So
he wrapped his head in a female scarf and marched straight in.
He fooled nobody but correctly judged that the women would
be too nice to throw him out. Smart guy.
Our UK correspondent shared a sad news item about
a group of men who raised money for their local hospital
by dressing as nurses and pushing a bed around town.
The hospital refused to accept the cash as they said it was
considered politically incorrect for men to dress as nurses
these days.
This seems unfair, as I have seen marathon runners
dressed as bananas, dinosaurs and Q-Tips without complaint
from fruit sellers, paleontologists or people who like to poke
things in their ears.
But the political issues surrounding women’s clothes are
complex. In 2011 someone organised a “slutwalk” in Canada.
This involved scantily clad females marching down the road
with protest banners. When the Slutwalk arrived in Asia, the
women were fully covered up and many of the marchers were
male, so the event missed the point, a bit like the Animal
Rights Barbecue that a friend of mine once tried to organise.
Anyway, like my wife says, it’s not what you wear but how
you wear it. By the way, I look great in Speedos.
Nury welcomes your comments and ideas at his Facebook
page: www.facebook.com/nury.vittachi