Playboy Magazine South Africa November 2013 November 2013 | Page 146

FORUM

MÉNAGE A TROIS

by lisa lampanelli
photo by hacob photography inc.

SO YOU THINK
YOU WANT TO HAVE
A THREESOME?

THINK AGAIN.
AND AGAIN
I

, Lisa Lampanelli, am nothing if not an
honest beyotch. So during my first telephone
conversation with the man who would
eventually become my husband – the infamous
Jimmy Big Balls – I told him what he could
expect from a relationship with me. Or rather
what he could never expect: a threesome.
Well, we’ve been together for nearly four
years now, and Jimmy shows no signs of
revisiting the subject. Either he respects my
decision or he doesn’t want to risk having two
women chuckle about his gargantuan nutsack.
Ah yes, the threesome – the holy grail of
sexual encounters. Some men dream of playing
in the Super Bowl, others dream of being rock
stars and still others want to paint the next
Mona Lisa. But every man dreams of having a
threesome. The only thing men dream of more
than a threesome is a foursome – and I don’t
mean on the golf course.
But wait! Before you do it, take a breath.
Double-teaming is a double-edged sword.
Like hiring Randy Travis to drive you to the
airport, it’s a potentially good idea that could
go terribly wrong. In fact, other than not being
groped while massaging John Travolta, the
threesome is one of the trickiest maneuvers to
pull off in the bedroom.
The first thing you need to do is establish
that your significant other is into the idea. This
probably won’t be a problem if you’re dating a
girl whose stage name is Tiffany Ta-Tas or if she
has all six seasons of The L Word on DVD. But
if your lady is a bit more mainstream, it could
be a challenge.
The problem with most women is that, at
the mere mention of a three-way, they think,
Aren’t I enough for him? What these women
don’t realize is that men think about sex the
way dogs think about food: Enough is never
enough.

If your girl can get over the jealousy issue,
she may be willing to bring another woman
into the boudoir. But who to choose? First off,
under no circumstances should you choose
one of her friends. The last thing you want is
the two of them comparing notes the morning
after over caramel macchiatos. The “trois”
of your ménage à trois should be the sexual
equivalent of Navy Seal Team Six: Come in,
get the job done and disappear into the night
without a trace.

What these women
don’t realize is that
men think about sex
the way dogs think
about food: Enough
is never enough.
In fact, to avoid trouble altogether, make
the task of choosing the other woman
your girl’s job. If you pick someone who’s
better looking, in better shape or has bigger
breasts, your woman will end up crying
like Octomom doing Christmas shopping
and your night will be over faster than the
latest new talk show. Or maybe just pay for
a hooker. The pro will make sure everyone’s
comfortable, and on the off chance it doesn’t
work out, you blew a few hundred bucks and
you never have to see her again.
Okay, so you’ve found a girl willing to be the
Curly to your Moe and Larry, and it’s showtime.
But are you prepared for what, and who, is
going to go down tonight?
The average woman takes 14 minutes to
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have an orgasm. The average man takes three
minutes. So when you double that Big O
take-off time from 14 to 28 minutes and leave
yours at three minutes, you run into a huge
mathematical problem. A lot of work will need
to be done even after your five o’clock whistle
blows. If you think disappointing one woman is
rough, try disappointing two!
And that’s not all. Threesomes involve a whole
new set of rules. Guys, I know you want to be
a little crazy and adventurous, but do not do
anything to your new friend with benefits that
you wouldn’t do to your wonderfully betrothed.
If you go way outside the box – no pun
intended – with girl number two, your regular
gal will start whining like the Nanny, and after
that, no amount of Cialis will reenergize that
boner.
Having a threesome is much like a political
debate, except not quite as sleazy or seedy. But
unlike in politics, both sides may not get equal
time. You could, on the one hand, pay more
attention to the less attractive one, the one I
call “the Khloe.” That way the hotter one (aka
“the Kim”) will work harder. There is, however,
another way to go. You could err attention-wise
on your steady gal. Remember, she’s the one
who cooks you dinner and washes the skid
marks out of your underwear. She’s the gal you
need to impress.
When it’s all said and done, the two of you
can decide if you want to do it again. Maybe
your threesome will be like a tasty, fattening
dessert you’ll treat yourself to every so often.
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