DEAR FONDA , I had a very bitter split with my ex.
Now she’s stalking me on Facebook and threatening
to crash our wedding. How can I keep her away?
Dear Stalkee, I’m glad you’re not the stalker otherwise
my opening to this response could have easily been
confused with an order for a new Sherlock homes hat.
Your ex sounds like a nightmare. If you want to keep
her away from your wedding you need to occupy her
on the day – have you thought about making her
some hand-crafted brownies with a block of Ex-Lax
chocolate laxative? Send them via courier to arrive the
afternoon before your wedding with a nice gift card
telling her how you baked your love into them – she’s
likely to devour the whole basket, while looking back
at old photos of you two on Facebook. By the time
she’s done she'll be strapped to a toilet for the rest of
the week, and you can get married safe in the
knowledge that she won’t make an appearance. (And
after all that toilet time, she’ll have dropped three
dress sizes and probably be snapped up by someone
else, leaving you free to live happily ever after.)
DEAR FONDA , My fiancé isn’t as good-looking as me,
so he doesn’t want the full-on photography package
and video. How can I convince him not to be so selfish?
Dear Vanity, everybody always pays a fortune for
wedding photographers and videographers and the
only time you ever watch it is that very day, and the
night after he walks out on you – so the disc ends its
life as a very expensive coaster. I understand your
desire to have the whole Hollywood production
though – your chance to be immortalised on celluloid.
I was in a similar predicament, but naturally, when
starring opposite one as beautiful as myself, my
husband stood no chance of looking half as attractive
in the final cut. In fact, during filming we had to keep
fending off passers-by asking for my autograph,
assuming that I was Emma Watson filming the live
action sequel to ‘Beauty and the Beast’. You don’t
want that kind of distraction on your wedding day, so
‘If you were perfectly
suited then it wouldn’t be a
real marriage now would it?
No one gets their fairytale
– even Cinderella argued
with Prince Charming...’
just pay a computer whizz kid to superimpose your
face on a Kardashian wedding episode and you can
have a truly beautiful and expensive looking wedding
on video without ever having to involve your
aesthetically challenged partner.
DEAR FONDA , My fiancée has drafted a prenuptial
agreement with a breakout clause after six months.
Should I be worried?
Dear Gold Digger, if you were truly marrying for love,
you wouldn’t care about contracts set in place for the
inconceivable idea that you should ever break up. If
however, you are purely marrying for money and feel
like six months is too long to wait for a payout, why
not consider postponing to a winter wedding. Have it
in a swanky church with a large stone staircase
outside, throw a bucket of water on the steps as you
go in, and be sure to wear a decent set of hiking boots
under your massive meringue dress (the ultimate in
concealing footwear) as when you emerge from the
wedding ceremony and pose for pictures on the newly
iced over steps, it’ll just take one gentle nudge to bump
your new spouse off. You get to play the grieving
widow, claim the insurance payout and live out your
days in luxury without having to wait six months!
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available
for hire – email [email protected]
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