Ask FondA
FondA
him off for anal bleaching – very effective but not cheap ! It was the most I had ever spent on an entrance and that ’ s saying something for a girl who regularly enters village halls on a Friday night hanging from a sequinned moon on a trapeze swing .
There ’ s only one thing for it – come shopping in my local precinct . I ’ ve recently moved and now live on the set where they shot Ross Kemp in Afghanistan ( a lesser-known suburb of Surrey ). Within five minutes of leaving Peacocks , you ’ ll likely be mugged – and even if they don ’ t take the ring because they share your opinion of its hideous nature , you can claim they did anyway in your post traumatic state . Tell your partner that wearing a replica of the ring would just bring back memories of that horrific incident and pick out a new one from Elizabeth Duke .
DEAR FONDA , I ' ve always appreciated my manly man , but I ' d like him to get his hair styled and teeth whitened for the wedding . How does one suggest a sartorial overhaul without offence ?
Take your man to see a Donny and Marie Osmond concert in Vegas as a pre-wedding holiday . They ’ ve painted their image on to the side of a hotel out there and the teeth are so glaringly white you ’ ll be blinded just by looking at it – in fact that mural and the Great Wall of China are the only two man-made objects that can be seen clearly from outer space .
If your man doesn ’ t feel self-conscious looking at the mural , there ’ s only one thing for it – start popping a shot of Domestos into his regular gin and tonics . Slowly , over time , it will bring his teeth back to a beautiful pearly white . Of course , this approach does have other benefits – he ’ s likely to start having severe stomach complaints which will help to give him an enviable waistline for the big day . And as for his problematic hair do , it ’ s likely to cause all his hair to
‘ Dear Fonda , I ' d like my dog to be best man but my fiancé won ' t hear of it . How can I gently explain that this is a deal breaker ?’
fall out – problem solved . You can walk down the aisle with your very own svelte , glistening Daddy Warbucks ! Does it get any sexier than that ?!
DEAR FONDA , I ' d like my dog to be best man but my fiancé won ' t hear of it . How can I gently explain that this is a deal breaker ?
Dear Poodle , dogs truly are man ’ s best friend , and far more reliable than any husband will ever be . You know that choosing your dog over a human will ultimately avoid a cringeworthy best man ’ s speech where he regales the tales of your drunken years of uni to a room full of elderly aunties with their lips so pursed in disgust that it looks like a wall of cats ’ arses on the back table . And the matron of honour can happily get drunk without the need to wear a coil to avoid everyone convening in the same church a year later for an unplanned christening . I think these arguments alone should be enough to sway your partners decision onto your way of thinking .
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available for hire – email enquiries @ fondacox . com
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