Ask FondA
FondA
him off for anal bleaching – very effective but not cheap! It was the most I had ever spent on an entrance and that’ s saying something for a girl who regularly enters village halls on a Friday night hanging from a sequinned moon on a trapeze swing.
There’ s only one thing for it – come shopping in my local precinct. I’ ve recently moved and now live on the set where they shot Ross Kemp in Afghanistan( a lesser-known suburb of Surrey). Within five minutes of leaving Peacocks, you’ ll likely be mugged – and even if they don’ t take the ring because they share your opinion of its hideous nature, you can claim they did anyway in your post traumatic state. Tell your partner that wearing a replica of the ring would just bring back memories of that horrific incident and pick out a new one from Elizabeth Duke.
DEAR FONDA, I ' ve always appreciated my manly man, but I ' d like him to get his hair styled and teeth whitened for the wedding. How does one suggest a sartorial overhaul without offence?
Take your man to see a Donny and Marie Osmond concert in Vegas as a pre-wedding holiday. They’ ve painted their image on to the side of a hotel out there and the teeth are so glaringly white you’ ll be blinded just by looking at it – in fact that mural and the Great Wall of China are the only two man-made objects that can be seen clearly from outer space.
If your man doesn’ t feel self-conscious looking at the mural, there’ s only one thing for it – start popping a shot of Domestos into his regular gin and tonics. Slowly, over time, it will bring his teeth back to a beautiful pearly white. Of course, this approach does have other benefits – he’ s likely to start having severe stomach complaints which will help to give him an enviable waistline for the big day. And as for his problematic hair do, it’ s likely to cause all his hair to
‘ Dear Fonda, I ' d like my dog to be best man but my fiancé won ' t hear of it. How can I gently explain that this is a deal breaker?’
fall out – problem solved. You can walk down the aisle with your very own svelte, glistening Daddy Warbucks! Does it get any sexier than that?!
DEAR FONDA, I ' d like my dog to be best man but my fiancé won ' t hear of it. How can I gently explain that this is a deal breaker?
Dear Poodle, dogs truly are man’ s best friend, and far more reliable than any husband will ever be. You know that choosing your dog over a human will ultimately avoid a cringeworthy best man’ s speech where he regales the tales of your drunken years of uni to a room full of elderly aunties with their lips so pursed in disgust that it looks like a wall of cats’ arses on the back table. And the matron of honour can happily get drunk without the need to wear a coil to avoid everyone convening in the same church a year later for an unplanned christening. I think these arguments alone should be enough to sway your partners decision onto your way of thinking.
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available for hire – email enquiries @ fondacox. com
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