The older I get the tighter companies are putting lids on jars and bananas are getting harder to peel.
You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
"Just cleared out some space in the freezer" sounds so much more productive than "I just polished off another pint of ice cream."
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it gets all soggy and brown? Cookies don't do that.
I recently bought a toilet brush....long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
You know you're getting old when it feels like the morning after...but there was no night before.
I have one cup of coffee each morning just to start the day off right. The other ones are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences and fuel my razor sharp wit.
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for answers.
Have you ever walked up to a car that looks like yours in a parking lot and tried to open the door?
If you don't use fast food napkins as kleenex in your car, you must be in a whole different tax bracket.
Life's biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.