A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advised citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.
F-E-A-R has two meanings: 'Forget Everything And Run' or 'Face Everything And Rise.' The choice is yours.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any containers.
When I was a child I thought naptime was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.
When I say "the other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
On an old man's shirt was written a sentence "I am not 80 years old; I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience." That is attitude.
I recently applied for a part-time job at a mental hospital. Now I'm there full-time and they won't let me leave.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
If you think you are smarter than the previous generation......50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I know what I bring to the table.......So trust me when I say I'm not afraid to eat alone.