I came, I left, and I returned: Finding my Pagan Path
When I reflect back to my childhood ideas of how the world worked and my place in it, I find that most of my beliefs where ideals that are held in many Pagan paths. For example: I remember telling my teacher that I felt that as long as a person is not hurting themselves or anyone else then one should be free to live as they wish. I do not remember the circumstances as to why I was having such a discussion with a teacher; I just remember the odd look she gave me. I have no idea what was going through her mind either as I don’t recall her giving me a response. Later in life I found that this was the basic principle of Harm none, do as ye will. As a child I felt alone in my views of the world and didn’t learn that Paganism was alive and well in this modern world until I was about 19 years old.
I was reading a book about a new teacher moving into a village and was helping the town rebuild their school. There was an offhand statement about the woman using sage around the new school to cleanse. The male lead character noting that the herb had an unusual but soothing smell as she waved the smoke around the whole building. I was intrigued by the concept of using herbs for such purposes. I became hungry to find out if it all was real. Through the Internet and getting books from the library I learned everything that I could about not just modern witchcraft but the spiritual path that often accompanies it. Realizing that there was a real life religion that matched my beliefs I have had since I was a child felt like I was coming home. My mother was very supportive and was eager to study a long side me. It really was a beautiful time for me.
Life changed drastically when I was 22 years old. Mom met a wonderful man that she remarried and moved to Germany as that is where he is from. She asked if I would go with her. I decided that is not something that I really wanted to do. It didn’t feel like the right direction for my life to go. So, I moved to Florida and stayed with my uncle for a while. I feel in love and decided to move in with him and his family. That turned out to be a rather dark time for me. All my life I was encouraged to branch out, be different, ask questions, explore, and be whimsical, I suddenly found myself in a place where not only was it all not tolerated, I was flat out called stupid for my way of being. Not by my boyfriend but by his family. To top it all off my boyfriend’s sister went through my bags and journals and told everyone about what she found. It was no surprise to my boyfriend, for he already knew. This was a big blow to me. My situation made me question my beliefs but also caused me to have very low self esteem. I loved my boyfriend (we are now married) and wanted to fit in with his family.
So, one day I gathered up all of my books, my alter, everything and stuff it all in a bag. I put the bag in my car and went to work. I got off of work late and in a fit of depression took the bags and through them in the nearby dumpster. When I got home I told Trevor what I did. He was displeased with my actions as he said that he loved me for who I am and didn’t want to lose the young women he feel in love with. I assured him that I was fine and that I didn’t need all of that “nonsense”. For a whole year I didn’t read anything on Paganism or magick. I did not observe any holidays. I was beginning to fit in and get along with his family and I was more depressed than ever. At the end of the year I realized that a part of me was missing; I felt empty. I learned the hard way that living to please others is not living at all. In that year I felt that I lost who I really was as a person. I let go of what made me special and valuable. I allowed others to dictate to me who I should be and what made a good woman. It wasn’t just my faith in Paganism that I let go; I let go of so much more than that. I made it my mission to rediscover myself and be the best version of myself possible; at least in my own mind. The first thing I did was begin to relearn everything I had forgotten about Paganism. I have always been rather eclectic so I pieced together what I felt in my heart to be true from everything I read. I wanted to find a path to really focus on and build on from there. One thing that I have learned in that one dormant year is that one’s home should be sacred and when magick flows through your veins nothing can stop it.