Cleaning Tips From
Mere and Ellen...
CLEANING YOUR BATHROOM
There is no need to clean your bathroom more
than once or twice during your service. The easiest way to accomplish this unpleasant task is
by inviting a group of your volunteer friends to
spend the night. Your mother will be so stricken
with shame at the thought of your friends seeing
your bathroom that she will clean it for you.
CLEANING YOUR KITCHEN
There is no need to sweep your kitchen floor on
a regular or even irregular basis. Simply assume
that your beloved mouse, nicknamed Ralph S.
Mouse, will be by shortly to devour any forgotten
crumbs.
CLEANING THE FRIDGE
There is no need to pay much mind to your refrigerator or its drawers of rotting vegetables.
When the situation becomes dire, or when you
need more storage space for your kilos of fresh
produce, simply remove the drawer containing
the offending vegetables. Place it in a forgettable
corner of your kitchen to allow the vegetables to
sit and properly ferment for weeks or months on
end. When the vegetables reach a liquid consistency, you may throw them out and return the
drawer to its rightful place in the refrigerator.
CLEANING YOUR DISHES
Part 1: There is no need to wash your dishes more
than once every one or two weeks. The easiest way
to handle this unpleasant task is to invite Meredith Brandstetter to your home. Cook a meal for
her and she will be so overwhelmed with gratitude
that she will wash all your dishes, failing to notice
that you only used three of them while cooking
her meal.
Part 2: There is no need to wash your dishes ever,
at all.
Simply move to a new apartment when you run
out of clean china.
CLEANING YOUR LIVING ROOM
There is no need to clean or straighten your living
room. Simply invite your host sister to come over
to drink hot chocolate and play computer games.
In time, even Donkey Kong will fail to hold the
interest of her six-year-old mind, and she will take
to organizing your items by a variety of incomprehensible standards, placing them in drawers, bags
and cupboards as she sees fit. In no time your living room will be spic and span, though for months
you will be finding items like fuzzy dice in your
underwear drawer.
DOING LAUNDRY
There is no need to undertake the perilous task of
handwashing your clothes. So long as you live within two to three hours of a volunteer with a washing
machine, you may simply pack your dirty laundry
into your hiking backpack and carry it with you
for a visit. Just as you did when a college student,
exclaim, “I didn’t come just to do my laundry! I
also came to eat your food and drink your home
distilled rakia.” Use this valuable opportunity to
wash all those items that have not seen laundry detergent for upwards of three months, including but
not limited to bed linens, towels and jeans.
TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE
There is no need to take out your garbage on a regular schedule. Simply buy progressively larger garbage bags in which you can place the collection of
smaller bags you have been saving for months. You
may store these large garbage bags in the hallway;
so long as you are careful to not place any liquified,
rotted vegetables in said bags, you will be able to
keep them in your dwelling for months with little
ill effect.