The 12 Letters of Christmas...Happy Holidays
Here’s the real story behind the song:
beginning to get on my nerves.
December 14
All my love,
My dearest darling John:
Agnes
Who ever in the whole world would dream
of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree?
How can I ever express my pleasure?
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of
me this way.
December 19
Dear John:
December 15
Dearest John:
Cordially,
Agnes
Today the postman brought your very sweet
gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. I'm just
delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I
must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist you've been too kind.
Agnes
December 23
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't
know why I call those sluts ladies. They've
been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling
the police on you!
Agnes
December 20
John:
December 24
What's with you and those freaking birds??
Seven swans a swimming.?!? What kind of
Listen Freak:
joke is this? There's bird poop all over the
house and they never stop the racket. I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's
not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on
those maids and ladies? Some of those
broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twentythree of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
All my love,
Agnes
You'll get yours !
Agnes
When I opened the door today there were
actually six geese lying on my front steps?
So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever
keep them? The neighbors are complaining
and I can't sleep through the racket. Please
stop.
My love always,
neighbors have started a petition to evict
me.
December 21
Agnes
O.K. Buster:
December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling
birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but
don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
I think I prefer the birds. What in the world
am I going to do with 8 maids a milking?
It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their
cows. There is manure all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house. Just lay
off me!
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 22
Hey @#$%^:
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger.
You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were
VOLUME 3 ISSUE 2
What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now
there's nine pipers playing. And Jeez do
they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday
morning. The cows are getting upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of
twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have
seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. The destruction, of course,
was total. All Correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed
to shoot you on sight. With this letter
please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
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