Primary-school children
A sense of safety.
These kids know they fully depend on their parents and can experience severe distress if anything threatens this, such as being exposed to contradicting messages. They will experience shame for loving a parent they allegedly shouldn’t. So firmly take the ‘loving, knowing adult’ position and make the situation okay for them.
Teenagers
Respect and authenticity.
We can undercut teenagers’ budding trust in themselves if we deny or even diminish their experience. Acknowledge their feelings, their confusion, and even your own struggles with the situation. Perhaps even ask thoughtful questions to help them see the situation for themselves, developing their critical thinking and even their self-advocacy in an imperfect situation. Just don’t throw the alienator under the bus.
And now, let's look at how you might tackle some of the questions.
When there is unequal parenting time, the alienated children can feel secondary; affirm they could not be less more important.
“There are reasons we have different parenting times, and those reasons are not appropriate to discuss with you. However, I take care of you during the time that I have you, as I believe I must – as mommy/daddy does.
“Your life doesn't pause when you aren't here, and neither does our life – or the life of your siblings -- pause when you aren’t with us; it physically can’t. Sometimes your siblings are with us when you can’t be, but it doesn’t mean we favor or love them any more than you.”
From you, any ‘inconvenience’ can be experienced as a drag; affirm that it is your duty to steer your child(ren) through, and that you have equal right to doing it.
"Your mommy/daddy and I sometimes have different rules in our homes; every home has its own rules – just lie our [neighbor/friend] does. It may not feel fair; it may feel like I don't trust you, or that I am harder on you, but it is simply because I parent differently than mommy/daddy. And this is why this rule is important [explain why]."
Affirm that you want them no less than the custodial household without undermining the alienator, without implying the court deemed you less fit, or without suggesting that they are somehow better off at the other house.
"That is absolutely not true. Our little time together is absolutely not because I don’t want more, or because I haven’t – and won’t – fight. I would love to have you more! And I have done everything possible to make it happen.
Unfortunately, though, lots of adult issues get brought into these decisions. These issues have nothing to do with you and I, with how much I love you or how well I can take care of you. And, unfortunately, in our case those issues held more weight than these important things."
Why do you do more fun things with [our step siblings] than us?
Why do I have to have [a rule/intervention] at your house and not mommy's/daddy's?
summer 2017 PSG 17
You obviously didn’t want us that bad since you chose to only have us a little bit, did you?