you can be the better off you ’ re going to be in terms of setting the stage for success ,” advises Dr . Lee .
Tootle , don ’ t tattle
Another way to create a more positive social dynamic is to celebrate tootling rather than tattling . Tootling , as Dr . Lee describes , is calling someone out for positive behavior . So , for example , encourage your kids to come and tell you when their sibling shares a toy or demonstrates kindness , then make a big deal out of the positive actions of both children . Depending on your family culture you may want to start a penny jar that gets them pizza night when it ’ s full or have some other means of documenting all the good deeds .
If you take something away , give it back
Even with all this in place , there are going to be times when the kids are playing tug of war with a toy and it feels like the only way to intervene is to remove the source of conflict . Dr . Lee says that it ’ s totally fine to do that but to make sure you give the toy back to them within a few minutes and give them a chance to practice using it appropriately — otherwise they aren ’ t really learning how to work collaboratively . This may mean getting them to agree to taking turns with the help of a timer then praising them when they do a good job .
Forget fair
“ That ’ s not fair !” is a common cry of children of all ages , and it ’ s easy for parents to get caught up in making sure that everything is on even footing between siblings . But as Dr . Lee points out , life isn ’ t fair and it ’ s not realistic that every single thing in the home be equal at all times . The older kid may get to stay up later , and while the younger kid may feel that this is a great injustice , “ it ’ s up to the culture of your family and what you ’ re comfortable with ,” she says .
If there ’ s discontent over something like this , parents can explain the logic behind the “ unfair ” exception , but “ we don ’ t need to give explanations for everything ,” says Dr . Lee . “ If that ’ s the rule , that ’ s the rule .”
Parents can model dealing with unfairness by sharing stories with their kids about things that seemed unfair to them and how they dealt with it . For example , someone at work gets more vacation days because they ’ ve been at the organization longer . That can feel unfair , but they can understand why it works that way .
But generally , Dr . Lee says , “ I find with kids they actually end up saying ‘ that ’ s not fair ’ not so much because they ’ re so concerned about fairness , but actually because that ’ s what gets their parents to attend to them .”
Special needs
And what about when one has emotional or developmental challenges that may demand extra attention or accommodations ? Dr . Lee says to approach this situation similarly : with forethought , planning and lots of positive praise .
Talking openly about the issues their brother or sister may have is important for siblings , as well as listening carefully to their concerns and feelings . Behavior that ’ s difficult or disturbing is less upsetting — and less likely to incur retaliation by the sibling — when it ’ s understood that it ’ s not willful .
Being generous with support and encouragement can also help keep a sibling from acting out to get attention . If one kid needs a behavior sticker chart , for example , offer one to the other kid as well . Also setting aside special one-on-one time with each sibling when possible — even just a monthly breakfast date or five-minute game of tic-tac-toe — can go a long way towards making everyone feel important .
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