real world . If parents see these things as opportunities to teach , that can be really positive ,” says Dr . Lee . Learning to healthily navigate conflicts with siblings can teach kids about things like taking turns , sharing , body autonomy , when to turn to an adult and using words rather than physical force to solve a problem .
Here are some things parents can do to help keep the peace in the home .
Get at the root of the conflict
So often parents end up playing referee , breaking up fights and calling fouls as they happen — repeatedly . But to truly break the cycle , it ’ s crucial to take a step back and try to get at what the root cause of the conflict might be so you can address that instead . For example , if it seems like your kids are always fighting over toys , try to look for a pattern . When does it happen ?
Dr . Lee points out that frequently siblings will start fighting over a toy seemingly out of nowhere , after a brief period of peace . “ What the kids might really be fighting for is their parents ’ attention after they ’ ve played nicely for a long period of time ,” says Dr . Lee . “ Kids aren ’ t really so concerned about the toy , it ’ s more that they ’ ve figured out these patterns of behavior that when I yell , when I kick , someone gets involved immediately .”
Praise the positive
Laying some positive groundwork may help reduce these negative behaviors . This can be done by shifting the focus to recognize cooperative behavior as it ’ s happening . “ Stop and praise your kids right then for playing collaboratively ,” suggests Dr . Lee . “ Get involved proactively to say , ‘ I see you guys sharing that toy ,’ ‘ Wow , great job taking turns ,’ or ‘ Wow , I love how you guys are playing together .’” Letting them drink up that positive attention may help to reduce their need for negative attention later .
“ For every time you catch them fighting , you want to catch them playing nicely together three to five more times ,” notes Dr . Lee . “ We want to encourage that in order to really change their behavior .”
Make a plan
Of course , even with all the positive reinforcement in the world , siblings will still fight . Another thing that parents can do ahead of time is to coach the kids — often the older sibling , in particular — on how to respond in a productive way rather than escalating a conflict . For example , you might let your child know that if her sibling hits her or snatches a toy she should come and calmly let you know rather than retaliating . Or if a younger sibling is always knocking down structures , for example , the parent can coach the older sibling to go in a separate room to build or to build structures specifically for the other to destruct .
Also , parents can make clear that there ’ s a difference between running to a parent every time there ’ s the slightest disagreement and seeking help to resolve an issue . And , of course , they should alert an adult if a sibling gets violent .
If there ’ s a constant source of conflict , planning can help ease the tension . Dr . Lee works with a set of older siblings , for example , who always fought over who could sit in the front passenger seat of the car . So , they made a plan that both kids agreed on : one sibling got to sit in the front seat on even days and the other kid got odd days , and that was that . They knew what to expect and had a predictable solution that remedied the conflict .
Setting a timer for taking turns with a coveted object is another great , actionable tactic . And it ’ s important to be clear on what items should be shared and what can be reserved . Is a brand-new toy off-limit ? Certain special items ? Parents can give kids each three stickers , for example , to put on three special things that are offlimits , which can be switched as their moods and likes change .
The important thing is to be clear and consistent and to set up predictable outcomes — all while praising them any time they do a great job with it . “ The more proactive
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