1 . Model body acceptance
Moms have a huge impact on their daughters ’ body image . Don ’ t ask , “ Do these jeans make me look fat ?” or obsess out loud about food or put your appearance down . Avoid what Dr . Steiner-Adair calls the “ morality of orality ”— talking about food and yourself as “ good ” or “ bad .” As in : I was bad today ; I had pizza . So I ’ m not going to have dessert .
2 . Make your daughter media literate
“ Watch TV with her and talk about what you see ,” says Dr . Steiner-Adair . “ Help her develop a critical eye through which to decode and filter media messages .”
3 . Don ’ t raise her as a “ pleaser ”
Encourage her to stand up for what she needs and wants . “ Create opportunities for her to use her voice ,” Bogue advises . “ Ask ‘ What do you want ?’ Let her make a choice and then honor that choice .”
4 . Start team sports early
Research shows girls who play on teams have higher self-esteem . “ There ’ s a very common correlation , in my experience ,” says Bogue , “ between girls who play team sports and girls who suffer less with low selfesteem because they are looking to other girls for their value , and within , as opposed to looking to boys for validation .”
5 . Moms , don ’ t borrow your daughter ’ s clothes
“ You want to let her have her own style , her own look ,” says Dr . Steiner-Adair . “ Especially , and this is a really hard thing if you have a mom who by society ’ s standards is prettier or thinner than her daughter .”
6 . Direct your praise away from appearance
“ I think that we need to make a very conscious effort to balance our compliments about a girl ’ s appearance with compliments about who she is and what she DOES in the world ,” says Bogue . “ Challenge yourself to match every compliment you give about your daughter ’ s appearance with at least two compliments about something nonappearance-based , and do the same for other girls who cross your path — your daughter ’ s friends , nieces , etc .”
7 . Help her build skills that are independent of appearance
“ Get her involved in activities that build a sense of confidence , rather than focusing on looking good and acquiring things ,” Dr . Rooney suggests . “ Sports , theater , music , art . Anything really that can help girls express themselves through words or creativity or activity rather than through their appearance or what they ’ re carrying around .”
8 . Speak up about your daughter ’ s school curriculum
Does it include a female perspective ? “ Imagine if you were putting together a family history ,” Bogue says , “ and you only asked the men about their memories , about their perspective . Think about all of the information that would be lost .”
9 . Praise your daughter for her efforts rather than her performance
“ Focus less on the outcome and more on efforts and the development of new skills ,” says Dr . Rooney . Mastery is what builds confidence , and learning to tolerate failure fosters resilience .
10 . Be careful about what magazines you have in the house
“ Research suggests ,” says Steiner-Adair , “ that after 15 minutes of looking at a fashion magazine , mood shifts from curiosity and enthusiasm to comparing yourself and putting yourself down .”
11 . Don ’ t trash talk other women
“ And don ’ t let the boys and men in your household do it either ,” adds Dr . Steiner- Adair . “ Don ’ t let kids tease each other around food or looks . Do not let that go down in your house . It ’ s really harmful .”
12 . Dads : Don ’ t treat your daughter like a damsel in distress
“ When fathers treat girls as though they are these fragile , helpless , little beings ,” Bogue says , “ the message is , ‘ Your role is to look good so a man will sweep in and save you .’ Instead , give her the opportunity and the tools — to change her own tire , to use her voice and speak up for herself , to play sports , to be able to brush herself off and get back up . I think it ’ s a good measure to say , ‘ If I would do it with my son , I should be prepared to do it with my daughter .’”
13 . Make sure she knows you love her no matter what
She needs to know that you ’ ll love her “ no matter how her appearance might change or how she dresses or how she might perform at something ,” says Dr . Rooney . “ Because even though kids are so reliant on their peers for feedback when they ’ re in their teens , what her parents think of her matters just as much as it ever did .”
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