child who has behavior difficulties at school is going to have them at grandma ’ s house ,” warns Dr . Dickstein , “ so make sure their expectations are realistic . As a parent you never want to put your children in a situation where they ’ re set up to fail .”
Dr . Dickstein also recommends putting a moratorium on criticizing . “ Warn family members about sensitive topics in the same way you ’ d warn people in advance that your child has a nut allergy ,” advises Dr . Dickstein . If you have a body-conscious teen , no one should chide her for taking seconds on mashed potatoes . If your brother doesn ’ t believe ADHD is real , now isn ’ t the time to discuss it .
Plan ahead for some peace and quiet
For kids who are easily overstimulated or sensitive to things like noise and crowds , Rachel Busman , PsyD , a clinical psychologist , recommends arranging for another room they can use when they need a break . “ During family gatherings we want to achieve a balance between being social with relatives while also knowing that , if things get too overwhelming and intense , there ’ s a place to take a break and just be quiet .”
Keep kids occupied
Kids like structured activities , and they ’ ll probably be missing them while school is out . Fortunately , the holidays lend themselves to art projects and familyfriendly movies that kids enjoy . You can even start new family traditions like cutting out and decorating sugar cookies or throwing a ball around outside .
If you are traveling with a child who will need to sit in a car for any length of time , Dr . Busman advises packing a bag with multiple activities , particularly if the child has a lot of energy . “ Don ’ t just think four or five activities will be enough because you could be through those things before you even get on the highway ,” she says .
When traveling , Dr . Busman also recommends planning for breaks , even if it ’ s not that long of a trip . “ Kids who get restless or have difficulty managing their impulsive behavior might really benefit from getting out of the car and running around for a few minutes .”
Discuss social expectations
Parents should have different social expectations for different kids , and if necessary , communicate them to your extended family . “ You want to avoid those mandatory hugs and kisses or cheek-pinching for kids that don ’ t do that or like it ,” says Dr . Dickstein .
Kids with selective mutism should not be pressured to talk during family gatherings ( and relatives shouldn ’ t expect them to talk either ). If you have an autistic child who has been working on his social skills , maybe you can agree that he will sit at the table next to you and talk to familiar people-others should be expected to understand .
Getting along with cousins and other kids they don ’ t see often can be a challenge . Just because kids are approximately the same age doesn ’ t mean they ’ ll be natural friends , but they should still try to get along-with adult support if needed . If your daughter gets easily frustrated when she doesn ’ t get her way , encourage her to share and be polite with her cousins-and let her know she should find you if conflict arises that they can ’ t settle amicably .
Dr . Dickstein says family gatherings can be a teachable moment . “ Let kids know that family is important and sometimes you have to deal with people you don ’ t really like , but you should work it out , if you can . As parents you are probably doing that with your relatives too , so you can model good social behavior .”
Think about the menu
Family gatherings centered on a meal can put a lot of pressure on kids who are picky eaters or who have sensory issues that limit their diet . If you are going to someone else ’ s house for dinner and you know the menu will be a problem , Dr . Busman suggests packing something your child will eat and bringing it with you .
Have a conversation with your child ahead of time to reassure them , explaining , “ I know we ’ re going over to your aunt ’ s house and there ’ s going to be some different foods there , but we ’ ll make sure that we bring some things that you like . It would be great if you could try something else , too .” Exploring new foods is good for kids , but it shouldn ’ t be the most important thing .
Manage your expectations
Both Dr . Busman and Dr . Dickstein agree that managing your own expectations of what the holidays “ should ” be like is the most essential step to any holiday gathering . “ As parents we should check in with ourselves over what our own expectations are and not extend them to our kids ,” says Dr . Busman . “ It would be great if the kids could sit at the table and eat a nice holiday meal with us , but they ’ re probably not going to want to sit still for a long time . It ’ s important to appreciate that kids might find the fun in other things , like watching a movie with their cousins or running around outside . And that ’ s ok .”
Dr . Dickstein advises identifying one or two things you would like your kids to get out of the holidays-an idea , a value , a memory of doing something special together as a family-and work on achieving that . “ But above all , give yourself a break ,” he says . “ You can ’ t make everyone happy , and perfect holidays are nonexistent . Think of all those Hollywood comedies about disastrous family gatherings . There ’ s a reason why they ’ re funny .”
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