kind of immediate treat or, because of the time crunch,
earned privileges to be enjoyed later.
Dr. Anderson offers one of his favorite examples of
a short-term reward, involving a teenager and her
mother. “They talked about what specific behaviors
they were going to focus on,” he says. “The idea was
she gets up by a certain time, gets all of her things
together and leaves by a certain time for school.
If those three things happened without too many
prompts, then they would stop for a special breakfast
like Starbucks and walk rather than take the subway.”
Not only did this motivate the teen, it improved the
mother-daughter relationship, since they had more time
to talk.
Younger kids can be motivated by a more defined
behavioral plan with meaningful rewards. Dr. Anderson
cites the example of a fourth grader: As long as he gets
up, eats a breakfast from among a few healthy choices,
gets dressed quickly, and brushes his teeth without too
many parental prompts, he earns points for each of
those behaviors. These points translate into 30 minutes
of screen time that evening.
Stay calm
When parents hit bumps in the road and tempers are
flaring, they need to think about ways to deescalate the
situation, since arguing is a distraction and can damage
their relationship with their kids, as well as slow things
down even more. There are several ways parents can try
to deescalate a situation, such as:
8 | F L A G L E R parent M A G A Z I N E
Speaking in a calm tone
Being clear about expectations
Continuing to praise even small efforts rather than
focusing on what the child might not be doing
Focusing on the next step in the process
Keeping one’s eye on the prize, both in the short
and long terms
It also helps to accept that, at least in the short term,
things might not be perfect but that by sticking to
behavioral strategies, they can improve.
If all else fails, seek professional help.
In situations where kids have difficulty “even getting
out of bed or where there’s conflict every morning with
screaming fights,” to the point that family function
is impaired or there are mental health concerns for
either child or parent, Dr. Anderson recommends
professional counseling. This could involve behavioral
parent training, where caregivers learn to use effective
behavior management strategies; coaching the parent
and child together for more successful interactions;
or working individually with the child on cognitive
behavioral therapy to build coping skills and better
emotion regulation.