The tension in the home is almost palpable; mom and dad are no longer on speaking terms. What were once beautiful words of communication and love between the two of them, are now replaced by grunts, grumbles, and sighs used express their displeasure towards each other. The couple’s child tip-toes into the room unsure of what parent to approach first to inform them about her day at school. This child no longer feels that he/she is protected under the umbrella of love because their parents are fighting. This couple, like many other couples in the U.S and abroad, are experiencing a divorce.
In some crude analogies, divorce can be compared to a strategic war between two parties, in which the opposing side has either something to lose or gain. Some wars can be strategic and calculated with amicable results. Others can be messy, catty and spiteful, where words and actions are used as weapons to damage the other person’s image and credibility. During divorce proceedings parents tend to make harsh statements about each other and involve the child, using the child as a type of buffer to diffuse the situation. A child should not have a “job” within the divorce, it is between the parents to work things out in a more amicable way and not involve the child by demeaning the other adult or
maliciously undermining the other person. Divorce takes an emotional toll on not only the parents but the children. Children may interpret the entire ordeal as it being their fault as to why their parents are no longer communicating. Parents may also be guilty of slandering one another without truly realizing the damage that they are inflicting upon their child. This added stress can manifest through “acting out”, which are behaviors that are unlike the child, that may include fighting, mischievousness, or it could develop into something more serious like bedwetting, eat disorders or cutting. Many adults don’t realize the trauma that a child may experience. That is why it is imperative for them to maintain a more positive environment until the divorce is finalized.
As per Psychology Today, an online journal article written by Wendy Paris defines the Principles of Parting. It is more or less an outline of how to navigate positively through a divorce. By following her seven principles they can help many divorce couples through the process. This will, in turn, decrease bitterness and tension between the two parties as well as create a more comfortable atmosphere for a child who is essentially stuck in the middle. Parents need to educate themselves and approach divorce with the intention of solving the problem rather than creating other sidelining issues.
We have to remember that divorcing parents can no longer function as a two-person unit, therefore divorcing and then co-parenting is the best solution. Education on the matter is key, and learning how to manage anger, cope with recent events, communicate appropriately and participate in family-based activities can lead to a better outcome for the family. It may also be in the best interest of the parents to seek individual and family counseling so that they can work out their issues with an objective or mediating party present. This will help to shedsome light on the daily stressors of the
divorce and its Effect on children
BY KC LOESENER