I couldn't be bothered with making mistakes, I got the chance to give birth to ideas, and I walked on air. While before I was a kind of control freak, preventing to make mistakes. Everything I had learned over the past years manifested in those eight months I was assigned to this company,
and they praised my creativity and quality.
I remember thinking to myself: "This must be how people with confidence feel," and now I understand I was in flow state. I was out of my own way. I just stepped over barriers and crossed fear. I felt insanely happy. Still, this experience wasn't enough to see and own my creativity forever. I needed a burnout and several failing enterprises and finally starting an online affiliate business to realize I held myself back, time and time again. Everything had to be perfect as my perfectionism was my way to keep it under control. And I was absolutely convinced that this was the best thing to do.
I forced myself to do everything perfectly,
to be a perfect mother, be a successful freelancer and business partner, to be independent, to earn my own income, to be a loving wife and a loyal friend. On top of this, I was highly dependent on the appreciation of others. I was juggling to catch glimpses of me, and it built up the anxiety with my rigid rules and standards.
This unhealthy relationship with myself, made me less fun to work or live with. I was so damn serious. While in essence, I am a very cheerful person who laughs a lot. I had to let go of this armor to release my greatness and my creative spirit. I had to learn to stay true to myself, to trust my own instincts, to see my qualities and own them. And also accept I am not a Michelangelo ;)), but a hobby sculptor.
With every step I take towards success, the voices in my head start yelling: “go back, go back, you are in danger” … But now I know it's my ego that is trying to protect me, to drive me back to my comfort zone where nothing new happens. As a creative spirit, I need to be out there, break the rules, look for new solutions, ideas, feel the uncertainty, feel the fear but do it anyway.
"I always thought my work wasn't enough, which made me feel uncertain, so I would learn more and step out of my comfort zone, again and again, feeling even more insecure. I knew it all; I just had to own it. See and accept myself. Ownit magazine is my way to own my power, so now I can help others to own their power as well."
An unhealthy relationship with myself
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