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James Forrest takes a walk on the wild side
‘They are the best of nights: they are the worst
of nights.’ Fellow guild member Ronald Turnbull’s
observation on sleeping wild in his excellent The Book
of the Bivvy got me thinking about my own somewhat
hit and miss wild camping ‘career.’ Or is that mainly
miss? I jotted down some thoughts, as my brain
nerve-endings sparked, and somehow this is what I
ended up with: the seventeen stages of a (calamitous)
wild camping adventure. Can anyone relate?
1 Arrive at your destination, full of energy
and zest for life. ‘We’re off on an epic
adventure!’ 10 Boil up a ‘dinner’ you probably wouldn’t
feed to your dog.
2 Spread out all of the outdoorsy gear you
own around the car before stuffi ng it
randomly into your selection of thirteen
diff erently coloured dry bags. 11 Sit and stare at a fi re for four hours,
absolutely mesmerised by the fl ames.
Everything you own smells of smoke.
12 Have a horrendous night’s sleep, during
which you continually slide down your
sleeping mat.
13 Wake up, drink four Nescafé 3-in-1 coff ees,
eat porridge (any other type of breakfast is
strictly banned on wild camping trips) and
then de-camp.
14 Daydream continually about a hot shower,
warm bed and hearty meal.
15 Eventually arrive back at your car, looking
dishevelled, weather-beaten, a shadow
of your former self. ‘I look, and feel, like a
hobo.’
16 Head off feeling more than ready to return
to civilisation.
17 Spend two minutes at home. All memory
of the hardships disappears instantly
and already you’re romanticising the wild
camping life - the wilderness, the fresh air,
the freedom. ‘When can I get out again?’
3 Test the weight of your backpack. ‘OMG.
There is no way I’m carrying that up a
mountain.’
4 Recklessly ditch gear that you later end up
desperately needing. ‘Can I get away with
no poles for my tent?’
5 Set off with initial enthusiasm. ‘This is
actually not too bad.’
6 Five minutes later chronic back pain is
kicking in.
7 Get absolutely destroyed by the driving rain,
howling winds and sub-zero temperatures.
8 Spend hours searching for the perfect
camping spot, only to run out of sunlight
and settle for somewhere totally average.
‘Right, it’s a choice between that swamp,
this sheep toilet or that boulder fi eld.’
9 Set up tent (usually in the rain). Everything
you own is wet.
summer 2018 | Outdoor focus 15