19 | OutBoise Magazine | NEWS
Tom, a staunch Mormon, had been through several
programs to teach him how to suppress the urges he
has to be with a man. He had met with religious leaders
and had been put on religious probation because of
his sexual encounters with men during his marriage.
Thousands of dollars, many hours and a lot of heartache
had been put into attempting to change him from a gay
man to a heterosexual man. “Nothing worked to rid me
of my gayness,” Tom says.
OutBoisemag.com | Issue 14 | January 2016
thought of the relationship between their parents as a
sham. I considered their ages in making my decision
of when to come out. I also considered how educated,
mature and liberal my children had become over the
years. As parents, we had instilled in our kids to love
and accept everyone. We had also taught our children
to be honest in all that they do.
I was direct, confident and humble as I proceeded to
express who I have been since I was a child. “Kids, I
have something to tell you. I am so proud to be your
dad. I couldn’t have more loving, intelligent and amazing children. Over my lifetime there have been people
that have loved me, supported me and stood by me. You
three kids are some of those people. I brought you here
to tell you who I truly am. I am your dad and I am gay.”
The emotions were high, tears were streaming down
my face and I could hardly breathe as I waited for their
response. “You are awesome and we are proud of you.
You are so strong dad!” I recall them saying.
To answer the question, when is the right time to
come out to your kids? Each person must decide for
themselves. How much do you love yourself and what
have you taught your children. Singer, Ricky Martin
says, “These years in silence and reflection made me
stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come
from within and that this kind of truth gives me power
to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed.
Tom shared that he loves his wife and that he would
do anything for his children, but that he is just not happy in his marriage. He also shared that he is not happy
with himself because he cannot be who he truly is. Tom
got the most emotional when he discussed his children
and the fact that he had not told them and didn’t know
if he ever would tell them that he is gay. “They are
young, innocent and they would not understand, plus I
don’t want to break my family apart,” Tom says.
I had nightmares about the responses I might get
from my children if I told them that I was gay. Teenagers that had seen their father and mother show love and
affection for more than 16 years might be angry at the
The strength my children spoke of and the power they
exuded when I shared I was gay a year ago, made the
choice of timing obsolete and it made the coming out
moment a perfect one.